Quick Thoughts

Don't think I've been this happy in a long time...

The tiny little source of my heart burn. :)

My son and husband rolled into one little being.

Thought today of the events that saved this little guy's life... an integral part of it has to do with me FINALLY getting contractions. People who know my history know I don't get them - ever. My son was a week overdue and I still didn't know what a contraction felt like until pitocin was running though my iv (then I wanted to die, but threw up instead).

Same with my second.

I began contracting with Jackson but not until he died. I think my body knew it was over and so began contracting.

Nothing with Claire.

So think how EXCITED we were that I began having contractions about 2 weeks ago! So happy! I was finally doing it! And maybe I would be able to go into labor on my own with this little man.

That was not the reason for the contractions.

It was because without them constricting the cord that was around his neck - medical records are saying now 6 times, around his body 2 times, he would not have failed non stress tests. He still would have languished and lost his activeness, as he did the last 2 days. But he'd pass an NST because the only time his heart rate wasn't up to par was when I was contracting. He still moved, just more weakly.

I feel like, therefore, this was part of the plan to cue docs to pay attention. As my new dear Colorado friend knows, who lost her full term daughter just 2 mths ago to a cord accident, docs don't think of -DON'T LOOK FOR CORD PROBS. If your baby has a heart beat and moves at all they send you home with a piece of candy and tell you to come back in a few days.

My husband saw poor Trey's situation as he was pulled out and shivers- he would have been dead SOON. You couldn't see his neck at all. It was not like one little cord layed out like a necklace around him. It was so think in its twists that it was flush with his chin. As he grew it tightened.

 I have a 4D US pic that was taken just a few hours before he was born. Ironically, you can see the cord RIGHT UNDER HIS CHIN! Can't wait to post it, but don't have a scanner here at the hospital. But right here, with the best of the best, a doc looked me in the eye when I asked him to look over the cord on an US before we delivered, and he said, "the cord is a non-issue. What your son is doing," he pointed to the monitor showing the decells, "that has nothing to do with the cord." He's a good doc. But he was way off, as 9:19 PM proved.

I feel like Trey's cord was wrapped around his neck and arm for a long time. I have seen it in US pics since he was like 22 wks. I think he lived with it as long as he could. I feel vastly grateful that he was able to make it to a sustainable age, and a good one at that (33 wks) before God knew it was that precarious time that he had to be born or die.

 I'm grateful for Jackson's life and death teaching me that even when the best experts tell you there's no pattern with cord accidents, they are wrong and I needed to find the patterns myself.

I'm grateful for Claire's sufferings - which were great, because without her tragic life and loss, the docs wouldn't even have taken this seriously. Only because of her mysterious death and heavy anemia/hydrops diagnosis did they think they better error on caution's side when deciding whether or not to test Trey more. While they were trying only to prevent another Claire type loss, they "accidentally" prevented a Jackson type loss. They thought they were racing against anemia to save him, but they were racing against a cord.

I'm thankful to you who couldn't sleep with me as I couldn't sleep...I have not been able to communicate until now, but it meant a lot to me that while i was panicking in the hosp and the nights before I got there, so were a few others. It meant a lot that you knew how much this meant to us, how tragic the last 3 years have been and how closely linked these days were to them. Thank you for worrying with us. It means the world to me. I think it means a lot to my babies too.

And want some TMI? Like I am good at? I really keep feeling like my two kids are here and just STARING at me and Blue! I feel like they are thrilled to be a part of this experience that gives their family such joy that we haven't had in SOOO long. They are truly happy for us. And I feel bad - I want to tell them I wanted to oogle over them instead of weep over them. I wanted them just as much. I still do. Not even Trey can replace them. I still miss them. I don't want them to feel "moved on" from. But I can't believe the pure love that must exist on the other side because I only sense that they are most happy for us and wanting to bless us more. They do all that they can. They are not jealous.

BTW, hope Blue doesn't mind, this morning he took me to a room and showed me what he saw - first thing this a.m. He entered a room, alone, and on the wall were two wall hangings. One of a butterfly and one of a dragonfly. I was so moved. I want him to take a pic and if he does I will post it.