Cradles at the Graves

     I'm going to AZ soon. One must do on the trip is a visit to the graveyard. Urgency compels me to check in and make sure it's safe and intact (it's a private graveyard in the high desert). But I dread the visit secretly. I haven't told even my husband (have I? hmmm...can't recall) how going there makes me feel helpless. And I HATE feeling helpless in regards to my babies! As other parents know, not getting to save your child's life is undermining enough. I hate going to the grave and wanting to make it better while physically unable to do much. I want a tree, or two or three growing there. Mesquites grow naturally. We might prune a few into trees and with just the magic of the sheers and time receive a beautiful shade source. But the Haught family has some powerful aversion to mesquites and my husband forbids it. My mom and step dad planted a Palo Verde once, to commemorate a birthday. It was gone when I came back a few months later. Apparently the Haught aversion extends to Palo Verdes as well. Desert Landscaping doesn't translate well into Peaceful Haloed Gravesides. So I feel helpless and maybe just a tad resentful of this hand tying!
     Nature itself seems to push down my high imaginations for my family's gravesides.
One thing thrives in the graveyard - red ants! They love Jackson's grave. Each visit we faithfully eradicate the ant hills and each time in between the visits the bustling ants build another home.
Still, I would not trade my helpless frustrations for a public graveyard. In AZ so many cemeteries require only silk flowers - NOT my ideal gift of love to my babies. In Coupeville, Washington, where I currently live, the town cemetery forbids silk flowers! I just discovered that gem this weekend while on a rambling drive by the seaside cemetery. That's one thing about the small town I really love! Maybe I aught to empowering myself with my graveyard and only allow real flowers to be placed there!

A gift I recently was regifted... Just found this!

Kelly,
Christmas is around corner and I just wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my thoughts.
I am being a secret santa to one of my best friend who became a single mother of 2 young girls last year.

Instead of buying gifts to each other or to our family, we decided to send cash to her in memories of Jackson and Clair.

She won't know who it came from, but she'll know that she's rememberd and loved, and that someone wanted to be extra nice to her because of 2 angels I know.

I think of you and your babies a lot, and i hope you and your family will feel their presense close always, especially this Christmas season.

Love,
XXXX

Christmas Remembrances & New Years Reflections

 

     An abrupt, tender surprise during our Christmas tree decorating: Ornaments with Claire and Jackson's photos, made as gifts in past years to help us get through the holiday without them. A sweet, sad surprise. What a great gift! Highly recommend them.

     Trey holding the ornament depicting his older brother, without whose death Trey would not have been born, brought happy feelings. Trey has been my light, my joy, the energy pushing my life forward. If I didn't have him to hang the ornament, it may look more dismal and less glittery. I'm so blessed that I have been able to bear children after losing them. It's not a gift that I ever take for granted. Just yesterday I was out running up a windy path overlooking the ocean and I had to pause in gratitude. I was thankful - I am thankful I'm alive and happy enough to take in such scenes:

 

I think of my body growing 6 intricate little beings, conceiving 8, being cut open 3 different times to deliver them; it's amazing that I can run! It's a testament to the power of the human body to heal and regenerate, and to the human spirit to heal and deepen. My life is deeper in love because of my babies dying. I hold parenting in highest respect - even here in Washington where many people look down at stay at home moms. (Yes, I am in Washington now! That's another post in itself.)  I admire families that have buried little ones. I feel so much love for them! I feel like you are my own family. Your kids are with my kids. Your trials take similar outlines as mine.

Now I'm rambling. So here is a very late Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all! I love the baby loss community. I don't blog often, but there isn't a day that I don't think of the kids - both my own and others'.

Claire's birthday gift to others

Remember how we made Remembrance Boxes for Claire's second birthday back in July of 2011? Well, my husband's good grandmother wanted to help make pretty blankets for the boxes. That took longer than either of us anticipated! Then my printer broke and I was planning to use it to make "In loving memory of..." labels on the bottom of each box. I also needed to print short explanations for the tiny plastic bag in each box (think jewelry baggy). Those were added for saving a lock of hair from the cherished baby. My CD burner broke too, which shut down my idea of giving a CD with songs specially mentioning baby loss. And, to top it off, it just sunk me into a funk to think of families shocked and devasted, opening this meager gift that can't replace their child.  So, with all these hickups, the boxes quickly became part of my craft room decor.
Always on my mind, never at the top of my to-do list. But then one day shortly after my last little miracle was born (I got a healthy girl!) my ARTISTIC friend came to visit. She was not as afraid of those boxes as I was. Most of the blankets were done but I was afraid they wouldn't fit in the boxes. She quickly rolled them up and tied them with a pretty ribbon! Problem solved. I showed her the teeny lock-of-hair baggys. She cut cardstock small enough to fit into the baggy and drew a teeny lock of hair with a short explanation on it. Problem solved! I broke down and handwrote the labels of the bottom of each box. I let the CD become a nice dream. And within an hour 5 boxes were ready to go to my husband's hospital, who desperately needed them!
It felt soooo good! It was exciting! It felt a little like Claire was there too. I am happy to do something I never would have even considered doing if Claire hadn't entered my life.
I've only got a few days until her 3rd birthday comes up! I am determined to get the others done before then! No more procrastinating! Sometimes I think it takes someone who's not emotional about it to help kick it in gear. Pain can paralize you. Pushing through it is so energizing though!

A visit with Anne Shirley

Last night I was woken from a bad dream by my precious little newborn (6wks now). After feeding her I still had that icky feeling that often lingers after even the most abstract bad dreams. So I decided to read a few pages from my Anne of Green Gables series to lighten my mind before I fell back asleep. The books are always light, always positive. I'm on the 5th novel of the rediculously light series (Anne's House of Dreams).
 But last night- when I most needed it, what's my luck? I literally started reading about Anne delivering her first child, a pale, precious little girl. Her ecstacy is quickly squelched when the baby dies. The author then describes her anguish and sorrow - a first for the serially happy Anne. She can not feel any joy in life anymore.
Wow. So instead of being upset by the weird hormone dream, I got to be upset by stirred up memories of my own real nightmares!
I actually really appreciate the author's description of her experience. It was authentic, raw. In some, possibly perverse way, it comforts me to know that women of past generations shared my trials. My pain is not new, uncommon or even unique. Throughout time, it's just that bad. No way around it.
I used to identify with Anne through her imagination and abhorrance of a plain name. Now we are 'kindred spirits' in motherhood.

Dragonfly Lives

It's almost been three years since little Claire was born, lived a brief 4 hours, then passed into a better world while in my arms. How the dragonfly emerged as a visual sign that she visits us I don't exactly know. But, WOW, are the dragonflys present in our family now!
A few weeks ago my husband learned something about these delicate insects. The lifespan of adult dragonflys - those we actually recognize, is actually really short. They spend more time in their developing, 'infant' state than mature. What a fitting symbol for my child, who lived much longer in embryo than out of the womb. The two are kindred beings in a sense.