Got a Visit Today

This morning as I drove to work out a dragonfly very distinctly flew in front of my car. I had a thought that Claire was here. It was a bigger than normal idea that felt right. I wondered why today.
I work out in a church gym a few times a week. My 14 month old wanders around the whole time. He plays with balls and generally tries not to get clobbered by bigger kids. The cool down song is always "If I Die Young" by the Band Perry. Each time I lay there stretching to lyrics about a rainbow helping a mother know her baby is ok, I feel not just sweaty, but naked! "Not even gray but she buries her baby." I think, "Here I am. Not a stitch of gray. I recall the graveyard, the headstones. Just a cool song to so many, but powerful memories inside me.
My usual naked feeling today crossed over to sadness. Tears welled up and I felt so sad. I thought of Claire and missed her so. I felt the bitterness of having to let her go so soon after I had her. I stared at the floor and tried to stay stoic.
The next thing I know Trey is between my legs, clutching me in a bear hug. Then he lays his head down on my shoulder and pats my arm - PATS my arm like he's comforting me! And what a comfort a warm baby is when grieving the loss of your baby. I had a humbled feeling of gratitude for his little miraculous life. I thought that Claire was right there with me. She somehow communicated to Trey to love on me with those warm physical arms that she doesn't have right now. It was so sweet and tender, lasting several moments.  Around me were happy, light conversations. But in my tiny space was ministering by an angel, my angel. I felt grateful she was there for me in that moment.
When I told my husband, he said yesterday while watering the yard he saw both a butterfly and a dragonfly in quick succession. He never sees them in our (dead) yard.
A few hours later I had something pretty serious rock my world. Without going into detail, I needed some bolstering. I got a blessing and part of it said that there are angels right now around me, participating in our situation. Instantly I thought of my daughter letting me know she was here today. There were reasons she was here, some I may never know fully. I felt so lucky. Most of the time it's a quick passing, a brush with something magical. But rarely is it enough to stick with me in a way that I KNOW I had contact with the other side. Life's just not like that. So I will hold tightly to today, and feel most honored to be a part of my family, both here and on the other side.

Claire's 2nd birthday

We were in Colorado on Claire's second birthday. I was overwhelmed that it's been two years. I can't belive it. If time did not confirm this, I wouldn't believe it. Time in my life has stood still. I remember carrying her, feeling grateful each day as she moved, then worried sick when she stopped. I remember the progression leading to her delivery in the hospital all too well. The time with her, alive and dead, is too overwhelming at times to recall, though it is priceless for me.
When it comes down to it, I miss her. I had a relationship, subtle an unspoken, with her, and it's sad to go on without her here. I miss her little personality.
Luckily, we drove right by the graveyard on our way to Colorado. It felt really good to stop there. I certainly felt sadder this year than last.
I hoped to see a dragonfly on Claire's birthday, but didn't expect it. I guessed that being on vacation there would be a lot of distractions. Well, this is why we need our friends! My friend - who also lost a little girl, called me into the front room. She spotted the biggest dragon fly I have ever seen sitting right outside the front door! It stayed there for a while, when flew right at me before it fluttered around the yard for the next several minutes. It was really encouraging. Of course, I didn't get my camera in time! But, I cherish the memory, and it means even more that a dear friend looked for me. We all need each other!

Amaris gets a visit from her brother

My daughter starts third grade tomorrow. She's been pretty nervous about it all summer. She moved to a new school half way through the year and had a hard time making friends, as well as a less than sweet teacher. She just found out that her new teacher is the "mean" teacher in the school! I'm HOPING that rumor is nothing more than that. But still, she was scared as we went to meet her today. Guess who sits next to my Ami? A boy named Porter. And behind her? A boy named Jackson. Her brother in heaven is named Porter Jackson. I smiled, feeling like he was letting her know he'll be watching out for her this year, maybe hanging with her when she's lonely. Ami feels much better about starting school tomorrow now! She's convinced her teacher is 99% nice and she's got her backpack ready and her clothes laid out!

Mourning Mama Gorilla

Blue found this most amazing story from National Geographic. A first time mother lost her two-week old baby.She wouldn't leave his little body. The photos caught were amazing. They show her grief, which I immediately connected with. But then there are photos of her community coming and sitting around her - at a slight distance, just watching, sitting. They are mourning with her! Wow, what a visual of "mourn with those that mourn." They are beautiful, though sad photos. I hope you get to see these pics before they are gone - they are so amazing.http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2011/05/pictures/110526-gorilla-mother-mourns-dead-baby-science-mourning-feel-emotions-animals/

Early Birthday Gift For Jackson

     Hooray! Two days ago we paid off our car! We bought the car the day Porter Jackson was born - just hours before we went to the hospital to deliver. We'd sold our Sonata and felt such a rush to get another vehicle for this exciting third baby. It felt so odd, so cruelly ironic, to be escorted out to that shiny new vehicle when I left the hospital without Jackson. Here we were with a bigger car and a car payment, which we hadn't had in years, but no baby to justify it.
     My mom tried to be positive and say we would need that bigger vehicle soon enough - we would have other babies. Certainly no one expected the road getting there to be much more complicated.
     I've always wished to pay off the car. I thought earlier in the year, wouldn't it be cool to pay it off in September, a way of honoring Jackson's - can you believe it - 3rd birthday? But it just seemed like too much of a stretch financially to get it done. But, Blue got on board with me and his support and fresh ideas led to much faster progress than I expected. And two days ago, with the help of a small but unexpected bonus, we paid off the car! I know it's me projecting my own ideas about money, but I feel like Jackson would be happy for us not to be in debt due to him. I'm so giddy - like a kid at Christmas - to tell him that we are not! Medical bills are gone and so is the car payment. Now if only he could step in and make gas for the car less expensive!

Something to Think About

“Should all prayers be immediately answered … there would be little or no suffering, sorrow, disappointment, or even death, and if these were not, there would also be no joy, success, resurrection, nor eternal life ...”

-Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle