Thursday, September 5, 2013

Pre-birthday jitters

My still born's birth day is in 2 days. I think about it a lot;or more to the point, the fact pops into my head a lot. Then it gets quickly rerouted under a pile of other avoided thoughts in my mind. Certainly this sorting isn't conscious, but it's real. My infant death daughter, Claire, with her shimmery copper hair, had her own birth day just two months ago and I did the same thing leading up to it. I have been doing the same procrastinating and avoiding each and every passing birthday - combined now there have been 9 (well, will be in two days). So I think 9 times over this behavior can be considered a pattern!
My heart feels the reality and the love and the loss but my mind doesn't want to linger there for long. No answers yet, just an observation.
One day, hopefully soon, I will write about Claire's special 4th birthday. It was a powerful one that I am still recovering from. This birthday particularly struck my daughter this year. And for Jackson's 5th year birth day service? I've decided to veer from our "normal" service and do something less monetary but nonetheless vital: write. I've decided that I will write a piece about his life/birth/impact/etc. I AVOID it like I do the planning of these babies birthdays, even while it hurts me to do so. I never feel completely at peace if I'm not writing about it in some fashion.
While I still don't understand the losses or my life in any sense, really, one tiny solid gem I do have is this: that the stories must be written. Jackson told me there was a mission for me and my husband in his death. So here's to discovering it, to living it. This year I am giving service to myself. (Sad that I really do need it this year. But that's okay, right? We all need some servicing now and then.) I am going to sit with that side of me that avoids the pain and the plans and the memories and I am going to allow her to come to the top of the pile. Then I am going to write about it. Somehow I know that this would greatly please my son.