Monday, July 19, 2010

Tender Feelings of a Father

The words that follow are deeply personal. My nature has always been to keep many of my personal feelings to myself. My wife can attest to that. But, I feel compelled to say a few things about the events of the past few days. First, the gratitude in my heart for Trey and his life is quite literally unspeakable. As I have knelt in prayer to express that gratitude the past several days my words have been rendered inadequate. I have simply had to rely on my belief that a living God, who is my Father, comprehends my feelings and received the profound thanks that I have conveyed. Tears flowed tonight as I attempted to thank Him for His hand in Trey's birth.

There have been two times in my life where I was given something that came unquestionably and mysteriously from a source outside my own control - so much so that I would have to deny my own existence as to deny it. I have been in many situations in life where emotions and feelings seem to come out of nowhere to effect my actions. I have an athletic background and I have felt the sudden rush of adrenaline that feels like an injection of power, or stamina, or strength to do things that I didn't know I could do. I have been in life saving situations in my profession where a sense of action and knowledge has spurred me to make crucial and seemingly above-my-ability judgements. I have had promptings as a parent to check on a child in distress or felt impressed to discuss something with my son or daughter that I couldn't quantify, but nonetheless needed to do or say to them that was above my ability to know. Many of these instances can be explained by spiritual or even scientific reasons. What I felt shortly before Trey's birth was not one of these things. It was something heavenly. It was something profoundly spiritual. It was something Godly. It was, above all, something impossible to summon from my own mortal being. Trey's situation before birth was so eerily similar to Claire's. Anemia, sinusoidal heart rate, prematurity, transfusions, highest level neonatal care, hydrops . . .  all the same words and phrases. My reactions to both situations were identical. Pleading, praying, worrying, discouragement, despair, bargaining, promising, begging, crying, feeling helpless, powerless, inadequate and unable to do anything! I wanted Trey to get better. He got worse. I wanted to leave him in the womb. They wanted to take him out. I wanted time. They told me there was none. This ALL happened before with Claire. I had faith with Claire that she could be healed. I didn't doubt that her situation could be reversed. I believed she was going to live. I prayed and said as much. With Trey, it was the same, only this time I had more reason to doubt because of what happened to Claire. If you think I was able to muster more faith or hope for Trey you would be mistaken. It took everything I had to believe that he could be ok. The situation at the time seemed to dictate that he too would suffer and possibly die. My prayers were the same. My faith, probably less. I attempted to trust and found myself inwardly falling into despair. I read scriptures and tried to remember that I felt long ago he would live. Nothing. More worry. Despair. The doctor came in and said it was time for delivery. I was sullen. I asked one last time for help. What happened over the course of the next few minutes I won't be able to describe properly. A wave or something closer to a blast of peace and assurance came over me. My fear and sadness were INSTANTLY replaced with what felt as close to knowledge as anything I've ever experienced. The knowledge was simply this - that Trey would live. That he would be ok. That there was a purpose to his life. I felt like there was a chorus in my head that sang words that only my heart understood. I was at that moment, somehow, miraculously happy. I told Kelly "everything is going to be ok." As I sat outside the operating room before the delivery I saw the doctor who would be delivering Trey. A voice in my head said, "tell him what you know." I said to the doctor, "I just want you to know that I believe he will be just fine and that everything will be ok." He paused for a brief second and said "I believe that too."
To truly understand the impossibility of what happened to me inwardly at the level I experienced it - the change from true despair to perfect happiness - is probably too difficult . But as I said, I feel compelled to share it with the world, or anyone who will listen.
 - Blue

10 comments:

S. and A. Millar said...

That was so touching and beautiful! Thank you for sharing it with us!!! Trey truely is a special little spirit, I could feel that as soon as I entered his room. He is Angelic!

The Scotts said...

Thank you for sharing. That is beautiful.

JulieMontgomery said...

wow, I had to read it twice. You two are an inspiration and I feel so blessed to call you my friends!! <3

Los Torrientes said...

I'm listening, Blue! I'm so blessed that you wrote down those beautiful thoughts to offer me inspiration. As I sit here in tears, I know that Heavenly Father has the power to grant all of us that "blast" of peace if we will only open up our hearts and have just desire to have the faith. Thank you for your inspiration. The pictures of you and Kelly with Trey are overwhelming and so wonderful!

audra said...

What an incredible experience. Thank you for sharing your beautiful words Blue.

Alicia said...

That is a beautiful post. I am happy that you felt peace right before his birth. It is amazing throughout the course of Kelly's pregnancy how many signs you guys had of peace and that he would live. He truly does have a purpose. And, the photo of you and Trey is beautiful.

Bri said...

I love that both you and Kelly are so open to the divine. I know it's helped you get through all you've endured, and it allows you to appreciate those amazing revelations when they happen for you. I am sure Trey's doctor was reassured by your sense of peace. What a fantastic writer you are! I am thrilled for Trey that he gets to have the 2 of you as parents, and I keep wondering about how Caidgen and Amaris are reacting to Trey's safe arrival. What a warm welcome to the world from the people he will love and cherish the most.

Nuestra Familia said...

So amazing and beautiful. Thank you for sharing such personal story with the rest of us. Your family is so incredible and I'm so happy Trey is here with you and doing so well. I bet Trey's grandma was making sure of his save arrival. Trey is absolutely perfect:)Congratulations!! Ale Ray

Patty said...

Blue, Your words are an inspiration. You and Kelly are amazing examples, and you have touched so many lives. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Thank you for being who you are.

Naomi H said...

Thank you for sharing. I couldn't read it without tears. I needed to hear those words. I'm praying for your family.