Day 10, Sunday July 25, 2010

Another quick turn around. Trey perked right up -- took all his feedings by mouth, beginning last night and going throughout Sunday. :) When I say took, I mean, guzzled the whole bottle in 5 minutes or less. The nurse just told me she's never seen a baby do such a quick turn around. She just loves him! She kept asking me all night long did I want her to feed him so I could rest. But I don't think she was so much wanting to help me out as she was wanting to hold and feed him. Finally, at the 6am feeding, I layed down long enough for her to set up to feed him. I wanted to do it, but then I imagined maybe it fills her up to take care of these precious NICU babies... so I got up after he'd begun to suck the bottle and sat next to her, just watching. That was hard! I wanted to cuddle him! I just waited til she was done and gone, then took him and had a nice long chat with him. He was wide awake and interested in everything.

He's now 4lbs 3oz!

The doc okayed him to nurse twice a day now. They worry he won't get as much food nursing...but they don't know the relationship between him and my milk maker. He gets more milk in less time. He couldn't finish the bottle after he nursed yesterday because he still had milk in his tummy from nursing (gross, but they check this stuff with the NG tube). 

So, he's doing great and I am grateful. If he doesn't piddle out again, but keeps this up today, his tube will come out. Then it's just a matter of them documenting that he's maintaining this positive growth, as well as him staying warm without help. He hasn't been in the closed incubator for 2 days. He will drop temp a bit, so we give him a warmed blanket. That rallies him and he then maintains a higher temp for hours. This staying warm business is a challenge for his long skinny frame.

I find myself constantly torn: am I happy or sad? Emotionally, happiness and more so, peace, fills the aching parts inside. It's been wonderful. But just as I am about to burst looking at his cute face, suddenly I see Claire. Then I flash to her losing fight and feel so sad that it's not her warm body I am holding and helping grow. 

Blue and I are so grateful to realize that Claire looked like Trey! She was so swollen it was impossible to really see her. But now that we have another baby about her size and with her facial structure, wow! Who knew - she didn't have Trey's nose, but otherwise she looked just like him. Even down to the ears they are the same. So, little Claire was her daddy with mommy's nose and ears. I never considered a girl looking like Blue. But how cute! My heart is broken thinking Caidgen would have a sister look like him, that we'd have three look-alike kids and two very unique kids - a red head and a dark haired boy. 

Jackson was all his own little man. I contrast his big size to Trey's little size. I can't describe the yearning to hold him again. I miss him so badly, as if I had him all my life and now he's gone... I asked Trey about him. I feel strongly that Jackson sent him down to us with specific instructions to love on us and do things for us that he can't do not being here physically. I feel jealous of Trey being so recently with our family. I feel sad that we don't all get to be together here, now, laughing at each other, learning from each other. 

I guess as my heart grows for Trey the hole that's there for my others also grows. It's just how the heart is. We are left with nothing to do but be patient with our wants, and steady with our needs, which are to try to find and execute the purpose that will make this trial all worth it in the end. 

JK --- I went to shower after writing this post (trust me- MUCH needed, with all those hormonal night sweats). I got back at 9:15. His new nurse was SHOCKED at him! He was done with his bottle in 7 minutes - she couldn't believe it. She said she's never seen such a little guy eat so fiercely! Are these nurses for real, or are they taught to be super positive? Anyway, I didn't want to tell her that 7 minutes is actually a little slow for him lately! Anyway, she said, "he's got quite a voice. Wakes up and is ready to go! I couldn't get the bottle warmed fast enough for him."

Then I saw that the NG tube is out! Yikes! I was gone for 25 minutes and she did her assessment, his feeding, the doc came by and said take it out, and she took it out! I missed all the action... wow.