Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Early Mornings, Late Nights

Up again - what's new - can't sleep when the rest of the world is healthily dreaming and resting up for tomorrow.  It mainly comes down to two factors:
1) general worry about the baby at night. That's when Jackson died. That's when a lot of babies die. I last worried for Jackson late at night before I fell asleep, and the worry turned out to be real. I have learned how helpless even the birth mother is in caring for her unborn child... Certainly much better care standards could/should be offered today, but even then, we are blocked out from baby in the end.
     I feel overall that the baby will live. That is 100% due to spiritual confirmations this direction. As time passes, more prayers are uttered, and more faith is exercised my confidence grows. (Here's me in the middle of the night after being awake and worriedly tracking movement, "Remember Lord, when you said he would live? Please keep your promise... I will trust that you will," then back to sleep I can go.) I do feel better now than I did even last month. But the initial worry may still wake me up, usually when I feel myself roll to my back - the "bad" resting position.

2) My other sleep culprit - generally feeling unlistened to. Even at my amazing doctors I feel like I'm swimming upstream trying to advocate for my baby. "Luckily" my daughter had such a terrible diagnosis that everyone in the medical community takes that serious as a future threat. But my son, who I carried longer, and do I have to remind them, is JUST AS DEAD as she is, they act like, "Ah, bad luck." Without any real research to back this "bad luck" diagnosis, I am diagnosed and this new baby's cord is consciously overlooked.
     I hate that I don't express my needs for his monitoring better. I am intimidated STILL, even after several concrete examples where my doctors just plain overlooked scientific facts/trends that my "bad luck" son gave signals of.
     I feel like I live in a world that's "flat." I know it's round. I know someday they will all know this. But today, they are SURE it's flat and I am just a silly, hormonal, paranoid mother.
     Feeling unvalidated is hard enough. I feel it, rattling in my head, voices of people who think,
        -why doesn't she stop feeling sorry for herself - it's not like she KNEW her babies
        - she lost a baby, but it's not like she lost a KID...geeze... etc.
So then to go to my doctor and also feel like what we have lost isn't substantial - it's emotionally draining. I am emotionally spent.  Too bad that doesn't make me tired at night!
       Anyone really good at arguing well with smart docs who wants to come to my appts with me and advocate?! I swear, if they don't renig the whole "we can no longer tell you if there's a knot in your cord because it doesn't matter," I am going to find a new doctor. Any suggested docs?


Bri said...

The only thing I can think of is to tell them that the policy makes you feel insecure in your choice of physician. Just go to the top...whoever is in charge of the practice...explain what happened to Jackson if he/she isn't aware and say that you need to be an exception, and that you'd like to be in charge of your own anxiety level. They are trying to protect you, but you don't want to be protected from that knowledge. I don't know that it will work.

Something interesting is that I mentioned what happened to Jackson to my OB, and she was immediately like, "There was something wrong with that chord." Like, not even a question of it being an accident, or bad luck. She said that babies are born with knots and twists all the time and they're OK, but a problem with the chord itself is fatal.
Strange, right?

Los Torrientes said...

Wish I knew a Dr. that would understand. I have used a Doula for Merrick and am using her for Stella as well. I really feel like she was my advocate at the hospital as far as labor and delivery went and helped me during my pregnancy to know how to be prepared for all possibilities. I wonder if she knows someone with experience with still births and other "flukes" who could tell your Dr.s off and help get you the answers, attention, and understanding that you NEED. No one (especially in your situation) should feel like a paranoid mother. Your concerns should be validated and every measure should be done to ensure your peace of mind!

Stock Family said...

I'm so sorry that you aer feeling like this Kelly. The OB I had with Daisy and Maylee describes himself as OCD in making sure he does everything he knows possible to find the answer of "why" something is going wrong. Daisy was early, he wanted to know why. Maylee wasn't growing properly, so he asked me to do different tests and go to a specialist as well as see him every week... He wanted her out early incase there was something he missed...I love this doctor because he makes me feel like he cares. When I wasn't getting pregnant with Maylee, I sat in his office and cried and he cried with me. His wife was going through the same thing. He is young but I really like him. Dr. Grayson Guzman with Goodman & Partridge. He is the best doctor that practice has. If you want his number, let me know.

Cortney said...

Love you mama and I will gladly go with you. I have no problem telling them my worries and having them justified. I think Bri is right that they want to protect you from unnecessary anxiety, but they don't realize the unknown just makes you more anxious.

Ultimately, you are the patient and you have rights to your info. I actually met the doctor who started the practice...he works at the Phx office and is AMAZING. You are where you need to be, just be bold and tell them what you expect as a patient in their practice.

I am just wondering why you don't see a doctor after your ultrasounds...maybe that's what needs to change? I always saw the doctor with Addelynn and with this baby. I am sure you can request that. I also have a few favorites there and you can make sure to go in when they are in the office? Call me anytime to vent and hang in there! Just think only a few months left mama! xoxo