Up again - what's new - can't sleep when the rest of the world is healthily dreaming and resting up for tomorrow. It mainly comes down to two factors:
1) general worry about the baby at night. That's when Jackson died. That's when a lot of babies die. I last worried for Jackson late at night before I fell asleep, and the worry turned out to be real. I have learned how helpless even the birth mother is in caring for her unborn child... Certainly much better care standards could/should be offered today, but even then, we are blocked out from baby in the end.
I feel overall that the baby will live. That is 100% due to spiritual confirmations this direction. As time passes, more prayers are uttered, and more faith is exercised my confidence grows. (Here's me in the middle of the night after being awake and worriedly tracking movement, "Remember Lord, when you said he would live? Please keep your promise... I will trust that you will," then back to sleep I can go.) I do feel better now than I did even last month. But the initial worry may still wake me up, usually when I feel myself roll to my back - the "bad" resting position.
2) My other sleep culprit - generally feeling unlistened to. Even at my amazing doctors I feel like I'm swimming upstream trying to advocate for my baby. "Luckily" my daughter had such a terrible diagnosis that everyone in the medical community takes that serious as a future threat. But my son, who I carried longer, and do I have to remind them, is JUST AS DEAD as she is, they act like, "Ah, bad luck." Without any real research to back this "bad luck" diagnosis, I am diagnosed and this new baby's cord is consciously overlooked.
I hate that I don't express my needs for his monitoring better. I am intimidated STILL, even after several concrete examples where my doctors just plain overlooked scientific facts/trends that my "bad luck" son gave signals of.
I feel like I live in a world that's "flat." I know it's round. I know someday they will all know this. But today, they are SURE it's flat and I am just a silly, hormonal, paranoid mother.
Feeling unvalidated is hard enough. I feel it, rattling in my head, voices of people who think,
-why doesn't she stop feeling sorry for herself - it's not like she KNEW her babies
- she lost a baby, but it's not like she lost a KID...geeze... etc.
So then to go to my doctor and also feel like what we have lost isn't substantial - it's emotionally draining. I am emotionally spent. Too bad that doesn't make me tired at night!
Anyone really good at arguing well with smart docs who wants to come to my appts with me and advocate?! I swear, if they don't renig the whole "we can no longer tell you if there's a knot in your cord because it doesn't matter," I am going to find a new doctor. Any suggested docs?