Thursday, January 6, 2011


     It's 11pm. I've just put my boy down in his bed. He was "up" past his bedtime. But he wasn't really up, was he? He was sound asleep on me. I love that. I love that he's on such a good schedule that I lay him down in his bed awake and he just goes to sleep softly on his own. There is no trauma, from me or me. But I love even more that when he's with his momma he can break all the rules and it's perfectly ok. He'll fall fast asleep on me and not care at all that he's "out late" and possibly not even in a comfortable position.
      I love that today as my step-dad was drilling into my tile there was horrific, ear-cracking racket and Trey didn't cry because I was holding him.
      I love that earlier tonight when I turned out the light in his room after changing him and the house was dark, he just tried to look through the darkness inquisitively, not at all afraid. Catch is, he's actually quite afraid of the dark. Hates it. We learned that on Halloween when we tried to sit outside and pass out candy with him and he would not stop crying until we took him in. He reinforces this night-fear fact when he screams in his carseat at night but not during the day. That's why it struck me after the diaper change - we were in the dark but he didn't care because he was sitting up on my arm, perfectly natural, happy.
     I love this kid. I love each and every scenario. What does this have to do with Jackson or Claire? Without them, I would not be able to experience life in this level. They ripped my heart out. Shredded it (sorry, kids, it's true). I have never been so broken. But as I bet other baby loss moms know, these special babies don't just take. They give you something back; a new and different heart. It processes life more deeply. It can hold more of others' sorrows. It can swell with pride or happiness for the raw, human parts of life. My new heart beats heartily for my baby Trey, and I am so thankful for him tonight.  I'm thankful to get a baby after the losses because I know what's important now, and I think it's helped me be a better mother than I was before. We have simplified. Continue to do so. We spend energy on the most important instead of least important things.
     What a special little guy. Does he know what he means to my family? If he could only remember life before he came he would see how much more angry and somber my son was, how erratic my daughter was. We ask our kids each day what is their favorite part of the day. Tonight my daughter said seeing Trey: "Of course that's my favorite part of every day- T-bone. He's so sweet!" Then she made funny noises to him and smiled and gushed all over him. He's like the ultimate cake topper to our family!

**Side note - last night I picked up a book we've had for years that my husband just took off the shelf to read. I read one page. There were two characters on the page. Can you guess their names? Jack and Claire. It was a coincidence maybe. But it was sweet for me. I love those babies. I felt a connection with them when I read that one page.


Alicia said...

I can so relate to this post. Hannah melts my heart everyday, she is the miracle after Jeremiah and then there is Calah. She is so sweet too coming after my three miscarriages. It is amazing how life is not taken for granted anymore after the baby losses. I am so touched and happy that you are finding happiness again.

Rachel said...

Thank you. I love to hear such gratitude.

audra said...

I only wish I could find a way to have such gratitude for my children without having to walk such a heartbreaking road, but I don't know if it's possible. Every once in a while I skip around from your blog to other "baby loss" blogs you link to and read their stories, cry my eyes out, and then go into my kids rooms and give them extra hugs, kisses, and I love you's and pray that I never have to endure their loss. I guess that's the closest I can get. I don't doubt for a second that you are an incredible mom, and what a great place to be in when you appreciate your children so much. I feel envy for you on one level but sorrow for you on another. I pray that Heavenly Father only enriches your life from here on out!

Kami said...

It is sad that it's so true what a loss of a baby can do to your heart and soul. While I was reading that I was watching my two smallest kids(babies) play with each toher and thought that they may have not been here yet had I not lost Kooper. I also wouldn't have appreciated them as much and realized how each and every baby truly is a miracle!

Mary said...

"these special babies don't just take. They give you something back; a new and different heart."

thank you for this

BeckyinQC said...

That was so well said Kelly.

Christy said...

I love that post. I have been thinking about that a lot since I lost my baby. I am a new person. It is true, I have a new heart, and I can love so much better than I could before. I appreciate my living children more than I did. Thank you for that post! I needed that.