Just tried to nurse again - by that I mean, threw myself into hell and Chinese like torture. My baby is the only one who can help me, but he's the one who hurts me too.
There it is; the reason i haven't posted. Would LOVE to say i've been blissfully enjoying my miracle baby, but no. Since Sunday I've been sick in bed with a fever and excruciating pain. Seriously??!! Going on 4 days of fever--- round the clock tylonol helps but of course doesn't cure. The crap antibiotic I got Mon ate thru my stomach and now I have another ulcer. An ulcer but no relief yet...
I thought I wouldn't post until I wasn't feverish because it makes me so negative. I had no idea it would be this long and nothing would change.
Every time I look at Trey I smile. He is precious and I know by pure laws of nature and science he shouldn't be here. That in itself overwhelms me. I'm so grateful. I'm so sad that I apparently make a super long cord that doesn't mix well with active Haught babies, one that the modern OB community knows nothing about so there is no solution except miracles or adoption. Don't misunderstand, I have always thought adoption was an amazing and sacred thing. But to be able to create a baby but not keep it alive inside is so depressing. I turned my heart wholly toward my family before Jackson was born and it's been a rough road of shattered hopes.
Now I am soooooo blessed to have my baby! But I can't care for him (or my other kids) the way I want to. It's a mess over here! From the house to the kid's breath to my crap broken boobs. I just want to nurse my preemie so he'll have the best chance of growing and staying healthy. Thank goodness for all the pumped milk from the hospital. It's quickly vanishing though!
Three weeks ago we were cheering when Trey drank 3 mls. Now he's wanting about 60mls! Go Trey!!!!
Sad thing, he may have to go without me... and I am sooooo sad about it. So discouraged right now.
Didn't know it was possible to feel like this on the foot of such, ironically, "overflowing" joy.
He's crying again - apparently nursing both sides - the affected one twice, and offering a small bottle after wasn't enough food for him...!