It's so refreshing to feel happiness.
It's the best feeling to hold a tiny baby to my chest that stays warm, who's little heart flutters rapidly, consistently.
It's like a dream to go to sleep and wake up, and a tiny baby is still there, still alive.
I love taking care of Trey. I feel confident with it, and fully at peace while doing it, because there is nothing else I would rather be doing.
But I realized today that my joy is reserved because I don't feel like he's MINE. I know God intervened to save him, that he was days away from being another cord accident. That scares me deeply for some reason.
I also have been so emotionally tired for so long, pushing through such losses, that I can't take happiness for granted anymore. I love it today, but there's no guarantee it will last. I fear losing this precious babe. I'm so aware now of all these wonderful parents who's hearts have been ripped out as they bury their young children. You'd think I would get used to it, but each new story shocks me, imagining their pain overwhelms me, and I wonder how they make it through.
I hold my baby and pray that he's meant to live a long hearty life, because I don't want to live without him.
Today I saw two cute kiddos that were born very close to Jackson's birth. They are so big now, toddling around. I let myself imagine life with a little one that tall toddling around my house, and my heart has been aching ever since. Ironically, I also saw my niece who's the same age Claire would be. I was fine with it until I felt her weight and told myself, little Claire would be this big now. Imagine carrying her, this big, everywhere now...imagine seeing your little girl grow. Then a quiet mournful feeling swept over me, and it's been there ever since. Why do I do that to myself?
It's less painful and safer to live in the moment.
Nevertheless, today when I took and picked up my kids from school, I found myself chatting with parents, something I haven't done since Jackson died. I used to be so outgoing. Though I doubt I ever will be that way again, today was different for me. So, Trey must be sneaking in and healing up some part of me, even as I worry too much that I may not get to keep him long enough.