Feels good to finally post! It's been too long, but I am so tired most of the time that getting pics online and writing full sentences overwhelms me. But I really want to share how life is now that Trey is one month (WOW - 1 MONTH). This is the time I would have had him (38 weeks)...that's eerie.
SO - hardest part - seeing Jackson's face in his sometimes when he's sleeping. I have called him Jackson several times and it creeps me out. I wanted so bad to have a boy who looked like his brother Jackson. Just kidding. Even one or two similar features takes me instantly to the hospital almost 2 years ago, holding Jackson, trying to catch up to what was already done...It's too much.
Just early this am while I nursed Trey I suddenly saw Jackson. I had to turn away and not look at Trey. He's warm, he's growing; I'm caring for him, meeting his needs and helping him be successful at life. And in an instant I see all this that I am not doing for my Jack and the cover of the hole inside pops off.
Nevertheless, I have to trust the process of time and eternity and wait it out.
I'm just SO grateful for this baby! I love him so much. I didn't think I would ever feel this happy again!
I love his place in our family.
My son adores him. A few days ago after school I laid Trey down in the living room and went to pay bills (that are late!). A few minutes later Caidgen brings me his little jedi partner - dressed in the Bear's costume that he got on Claire's birthday!
I feel a little ashamed that I didn't notice my son taking him upstairs! Dressing him! But this is so funny!
Then, yesterday morning - like many other mornings, my son appeared with Trey in his arms. "Here mommy, he was crying." By crying he means Trey was squirming in his sleep, making the precious little preemie goat noises that we love.
My daughter is enjoying the baby in a different way. She's not confident holding him, so she never surprises me like my son does. She is just enjoying pretending she's a momma now too -- she uses all Trey's stuff; from bottles, bibs to his swing! She often hugs his little body while I hold him and says she wants to squeeze him to death, or squeeze all the cuteness right out of him, etc...
And what have I been doing? This:
I eat, feed him, sleep, feed him, hold him, feed him, and once in a while either do laundry or make dinner - though never both!
I still have a broken boob, which constantly clogs up for no good reason, so I nurse a lot to try to help that. Trey sleeps best on our chests, so sometimes, when I just have to get some shut eye, this is how we do it. I can't sleep if he's awake. And of course I can't let him cry! Thank my mother for teaching me that one...
And every day I still ponder about the bizarre cord circumstances on my babies - anyone out there still think this is all a coincidence? I am dying to find out how long Trey's cord was - way longer than the average I heard. I want answers! Why are my kid's cords messed up??? And how did I get my first two okay?
All I can say for now is, monitor your baby. Know their average movements and if they ever change, ever, insist on a look at their cords. Trey's cord was around his neck at LEAST since he was 22 weeks. I have the pics. Not one doc thought it was a problem - not even on the day he was born. But that's another blog post!