Thursday, August 19, 2010

Life at One Month

 Feels good to finally post! It's been too long, but I am so tired most of the time that getting pics online and writing full sentences overwhelms me. But I really want to share how life is now that Trey is one month (WOW - 1 MONTH). This is the time I would have had him (38 weeks)...that's eerie.
SO - hardest part - seeing Jackson's face in his sometimes when he's sleeping. I have called him Jackson several times and it creeps me out. I wanted so bad to have a boy who looked like his brother Jackson. Just kidding. Even one or two similar features takes me instantly to the hospital almost 2 years ago, holding Jackson, trying to catch up to what was already done...It's too much.
Just early this am while I nursed Trey I suddenly saw Jackson. I had to turn away and not look at Trey. He's warm, he's growing; I'm caring for him, meeting his needs and helping him be successful at life. And in an instant I see all this that I am not doing for my Jack and the cover of the hole inside pops off.
Nevertheless, I have to trust the process of time and eternity and wait it out.
I'm just SO grateful for this baby! I love him so much. I didn't think I would ever feel this happy again!
I love his place in our family.
My son adores him. A few days ago after school I laid Trey down in the living room and went to pay bills (that are late!). A few minutes later Caidgen brings me his little jedi partner - dressed in the Bear's costume that he got on Claire's birthday!

Little Jedi
I feel a little ashamed that I didn't notice my son taking him upstairs! Dressing him! But this is so funny!

Then, yesterday morning - like many other mornings, my son appeared with Trey in his arms. "Here mommy, he was crying." By crying he means Trey was squirming in his sleep, making the precious little preemie goat noises that we love.

My daughter is enjoying the baby in a different way. She's not confident holding him, so she never surprises me like my son does. She is just enjoying pretending she's a momma now too -- she uses all Trey's stuff; from bottles, bibs to his swing! She often hugs his little body while I hold him and says she wants to squeeze him to death, or squeeze all the cuteness right out of him, etc...


And what have I been doing? This:

I eat, feed him, sleep, feed him, hold him, feed him, and once in a while either do laundry or make dinner - though never both!
I still have a broken boob, which constantly clogs up for no good reason, so I nurse a lot to try to help that. Trey sleeps best on our chests, so sometimes, when I just have to get some shut eye, this is how we do it. I can't sleep if he's awake. And of course I can't let him cry! Thank my mother for teaching me that one...

And every day I still ponder about the bizarre cord circumstances on my babies - anyone out there still think this is all a coincidence? I am dying to find out how long Trey's cord was - way longer than the average I heard. I want answers! Why are my kid's cords messed up??? And how did I get my first two okay?
All I can say for now is, monitor your baby. Know their average movements and if they ever change, ever, insist on a look at their cords. Trey's cord was around his neck at LEAST since he was 22 weeks. I have the pics. Not one doc thought it was a problem - not even on the day he was born. But that's another blog post!

19 comments:

Patty said...

Oh Kelly, He is just beautiful!!
Your kids have a special place in our hearts. I just love those pics of your boys. What an amazing big brother. You are a beautiful Mother!

audra said...

Oh Kelly that must be so hard to have the constant reminders of precious Jackson in the face of the amazing miracle you have in your arms. I guess all you can count on is time, and hope that as time passes those aches will fade more and more. That's awesome how in love with him your older two are!

JennC said...

Wow, one month! :o) Caidgen cracks me up!! Little Jedi brother...hilarious! Glad Trey is thriving and you are all able to enjoy him.

the lucas' said...

I can't believe its been a month already! Glad everything is wonderful, you guys deserve it.:) The picture of Caidgen and Trey is so PRECIOUS!!!

The Scotts said...

He looks so much like Caidgen to me! He is so cute!! I love that Caidgen dressed him up! Yea for 1 month!!

Zel. said...

Cute pics, he's precious.. Love the Jedi pic, that could defiantly win a contest or two.. :)

Julie and Joel Montgomery said...

I don't think I have EVER seen you so happy. I am so happy for you and excited to see our boys grow up together! They are so close!!

Jill and Cameron said...

That pic of Caidgen is just precious! And how fun to tell Trey someday, yeah at one month you were a jedi master...for a bit! And I have to agree, you look very very happy. Happy 1 month Trey!

Nuestra Familia said...

Happy one month Trey!! Your kids are so adorable and I love love the jedi picture. I was wondering where it came from? then I read your post. My son Mario loves star wars, I'll show him Trey's picture when he is home from school:)

Pam said...

He is a gorgeous child, as are Ami and Caidgen. Love the Jedi story! Your whole family is making memories to hold in your hearts forever. I think of you and yours daily, and pray for your peace often. Blessings!

Bri said...

I love the pictures so much. That Jedi pose is the best! Even though I am always in awe of your loveliness, I don't know if I've ever seen you look more beautiful.
I am wondering if catching glimpses of Jackson in Trey is helping you process and resolve some of your grief over his death. I know it's totally unintentional, but maybe that's a positive about it. It's like you get to mother Trey in a way you longed to mother Jackson but never, ever even had the chance to. I think the reminders make sense.

Jen West said...

Happy one month birthday! I just love the picture of your son holding his brother. It speaks volumes about what our kids understand and feel. He is awesome to make him a jedi! I am so happy for your family.

Los Torrientes said...

Love this post. I had to show Eddy the Jedi pic. I was laughing so hard. And I had to show him how absolutely gorgeous you are! I could tell while Caidgen was playing with Merrick that he is such a great big brother. Ami is adorable with her dolls, too. Oh, what a beautiful family.

Taylor and Stephanie Haught said...

What a sweet and perfect baby boy. You are so blessed to have such adorable children. You are an amazingly strong woman and such an inspiration to me. Love you guys!

Holly said...

I was finally able to get online and catch up since Trey's birth. Ive been thinking about you all for the past month and am glad to know it has been a good month...other then the broken boob and fevers...lol. Trey is adorable and looks just like Blu and Caigen. I loved the picture of you holding him. Your smile was priceless and you looked very much a peace. Caigen is such a great big brother. Hayden thought the Jedi outfit was fitting since they are all so into Star Wars. Ami plays the mom role good. Loved Raggy Ann and Andy in the swing...and Blu's post about him being in the grave with Jackson really opened my eyes about what being a parent is all about. You do everything for your children to be happy and healthy. His words hit home with me and made me realize how precious life really is. I am so blessed to know your family your strength amazes me. Wish we still lived close so we could visit and you can use my recycle cans :) I miss you guys hopefully when you get a chance for a vacation down the road we will see you out here. Hugs and Kisses to you all!!

Rennie said...

Kelly, Trey is beautiful and Ami and Caidgen are adorable with him! I can't tell you how happy we all are that Trey is thriving and that you are doing well. Trey is blessed to have you and Blue as parents!

Hugs to you all!

Charles and Courtney said...

I have been reading this blog every now and then but never commenting before now. I went to H.S. with both of you and was in the Haught's ward for a few years. I just wanted to say congratulations on your new baby boy. I am so excited and happy for you and your family. I wish you all the best.

Hathcock Family said...

He is so cute! Congrats! I would love to get together sometime so we could talk and share stories about our little angels in heaven and our pregnacies and stuff.

Naomi said...

I LOVE the Jedi outfit! It's funny how kids come up with the idea of dressing their younger siblings in the outfit for stuffed animal:) When I told my mother about it and showed the pic, she told me that we did the same thing to my youngest sister when she was a baby. (Hers was a whinnie the pooh out fit, poor girl! lol)
It's SO good to see how good your family is doing. I continue to pray that your family's heartache will be eased as the time goes by. You have such a beautiful family and I miss you all!!!