Claire's 2nd birthday

We were in Colorado on Claire's second birthday. I was overwhelmed that it's been two years. I can't belive it. If time did not confirm this, I wouldn't believe it. Time in my life has stood still. I remember carrying her, feeling grateful each day as she moved, then worried sick when she stopped. I remember the progression leading to her delivery in the hospital all too well. The time with her, alive and dead, is too overwhelming at times to recall, though it is priceless for me.
When it comes down to it, I miss her. I had a relationship, subtle an unspoken, with her, and it's sad to go on without her here. I miss her little personality.
Luckily, we drove right by the graveyard on our way to Colorado. It felt really good to stop there. I certainly felt sadder this year than last.
I hoped to see a dragonfly on Claire's birthday, but didn't expect it. I guessed that being on vacation there would be a lot of distractions. Well, this is why we need our friends! My friend - who also lost a little girl, called me into the front room. She spotted the biggest dragon fly I have ever seen sitting right outside the front door! It stayed there for a while, when flew right at me before it fluttered around the yard for the next several minutes. It was really encouraging. Of course, I didn't get my camera in time! But, I cherish the memory, and it means even more that a dear friend looked for me. We all need each other!

Amaris gets a visit from her brother

My daughter starts third grade tomorrow. She's been pretty nervous about it all summer. She moved to a new school half way through the year and had a hard time making friends, as well as a less than sweet teacher. She just found out that her new teacher is the "mean" teacher in the school! I'm HOPING that rumor is nothing more than that. But still, she was scared as we went to meet her today. Guess who sits next to my Ami? A boy named Porter. And behind her? A boy named Jackson. Her brother in heaven is named Porter Jackson. I smiled, feeling like he was letting her know he'll be watching out for her this year, maybe hanging with her when she's lonely. Ami feels much better about starting school tomorrow now! She's convinced her teacher is 99% nice and she's got her backpack ready and her clothes laid out!

Mourning Mama Gorilla

Blue found this most amazing story from National Geographic. A first time mother lost her two-week old baby.She wouldn't leave his little body. The photos caught were amazing. They show her grief, which I immediately connected with. But then there are photos of her community coming and sitting around her - at a slight distance, just watching, sitting. They are mourning with her! Wow, what a visual of "mourn with those that mourn." They are beautiful, though sad photos. I hope you get to see these pics before they are gone - they are so amazing.http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2011/05/pictures/110526-gorilla-mother-mourns-dead-baby-science-mourning-feel-emotions-animals/

Early Birthday Gift For Jackson

     Hooray! Two days ago we paid off our car! We bought the car the day Porter Jackson was born - just hours before we went to the hospital to deliver. We'd sold our Sonata and felt such a rush to get another vehicle for this exciting third baby. It felt so odd, so cruelly ironic, to be escorted out to that shiny new vehicle when I left the hospital without Jackson. Here we were with a bigger car and a car payment, which we hadn't had in years, but no baby to justify it.
     My mom tried to be positive and say we would need that bigger vehicle soon enough - we would have other babies. Certainly no one expected the road getting there to be much more complicated.
     I've always wished to pay off the car. I thought earlier in the year, wouldn't it be cool to pay it off in September, a way of honoring Jackson's - can you believe it - 3rd birthday? But it just seemed like too much of a stretch financially to get it done. But, Blue got on board with me and his support and fresh ideas led to much faster progress than I expected. And two days ago, with the help of a small but unexpected bonus, we paid off the car! I know it's me projecting my own ideas about money, but I feel like Jackson would be happy for us not to be in debt due to him. I'm so giddy - like a kid at Christmas - to tell him that we are not! Medical bills are gone and so is the car payment. Now if only he could step in and make gas for the car less expensive!

Something to Think About

“Should all prayers be immediately answered … there would be little or no suffering, sorrow, disappointment, or even death, and if these were not, there would also be no joy, success, resurrection, nor eternal life ...”

-Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle

Trey at 10 Months

10 months




newborn










5 months

 

10 months

I'm so happy Trey turned 10 months! You know how sometimes we have strange thoughts that we know aren't logical, yet we give credence to them nonetheless? For me it has been getting Trey safely past 9 months. I think because I know two wonderful people who both lost boys to suffocation in their cribs at 9 months. I think of them so often. If it could happen to them it could happen to me. While there is not a whole lot of logic to this, I am nevertheless slightly less worried for my boy than I was even 2 weeks ago. And when he makes his first birthday, I will be ecstatic at hitting this other paranoid milestone!
It's been different, certainly, raising a preemie. A big struggle is his slow weight gain. He's pushing 16 lbs now, which is not on the charts for a 10 month old and about 5th percentile for his adjusted age of 8 1/2 months. Underweight babies don't sleep as long a chunky babies, so I'm pretty ineffective at doing more than the basics!
I think it is mainly to do with him getting RSV around 6 months. That's when he stopped eating as well. Of course, all his energy went to fighting off disease. From then on it's been a fight to keep him healthy. But, I bow to the shrine of probiotics, which I have been giving him for the last month. He has not gotten sick since on them (he was getting ear and sinus infections).  I am hopeful that he will catch up soon enough and that it's nothing more serious. My doctor is ordering some tests just to be sure.
My family is having a ball with this child! We love on him constantly. I'm continuously surprised at the kids' patience when he's crying or needing something at the same time as they are needing something. I'm slightly surprised even at my own better attitude! I promised not to call him names when he was born - sound ridiculous? What parent would call their kid names? I know, I'm the devil, because I have! I remember when my others were little and keeping me up at night, or screaming in my ear, or making me late for some event, etc... I occasionally would let out a frustrated rant to them, knowing they couldn't understand. Or, I'd complain coarsely about them to my mom or some other trusted friend. But no way would I do that now. For one, I am more grown up! For another, I don't dare slap God in the face for my gift. Trey is a special gift, my life-saving gift, and I will NOT complain about the privilege of raising him (well, as best as I can!). This early resolution has affected the mood of our entire home. We are all more loving and happy. I'm so thankful for this experience of raising a baby again.
Where are Jackson and Claire in this mix? I think of them both every single day. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of them. There are many thoughts I can joggle that don't cut me, and I have learned which memories are still too traumatic to toy with in a normal day. So most days, I have happy thoughts of them. I am glad to be their mother, I am glad to know them, and hopeful to get to know them better in the future. I'm curious about them. I'm slightly obsessed wondering what went wrong in my or my husband and I's genetics... why do some cords not develop right? What can be done to correct this? How can I help expectant mothers and doctors be more aware and careful so less babies die in the future? I really want to get some kind of fundraiser for research going in the near future. And I want to write a book about it too. But, all this has to wait til I am not so tired that getting housework done doesn't take all my concentration (has anyone seen my keys, btw? Or my phone????!!!!).
Several of my friends are due at the end of this month. Most of them have lost babies previous to this pregnancy. I am anxious for them and excited with them. Good luck! I can't wait to see these teeny miracles!!!