I'm so happy Trey turned 10 months! You know how sometimes we have strange thoughts that we know aren't logical, yet we give credence to them nonetheless? For me it has been getting Trey safely past 9 months. I think because I know two wonderful people who both lost boys to suffocation in their cribs at 9 months. I think of them so often. If it could happen to them it could happen to me. While there is not a whole lot of logic to this, I am nevertheless slightly less worried for my boy than I was even 2 weeks ago. And when he makes his first birthday, I will be ecstatic at hitting this other paranoid milestone!
It's been different, certainly, raising a preemie. A big struggle is his slow weight gain. He's pushing 16 lbs now, which is not on the charts for a 10 month old and about 5th percentile for his adjusted age of 8 1/2 months. Underweight babies don't sleep as long a chunky babies, so I'm pretty ineffective at doing more than the basics!
I think it is mainly to do with him getting RSV around 6 months. That's when he stopped eating as well. Of course, all his energy went to fighting off disease. From then on it's been a fight to keep him healthy. But, I bow to the shrine of probiotics, which I have been giving him for the last month. He has not gotten sick since on them (he was getting ear and sinus infections). I am hopeful that he will catch up soon enough and that it's nothing more serious. My doctor is ordering some tests just to be sure.
My family is having a ball with this child! We love on him constantly. I'm continuously surprised at the kids' patience when he's crying or needing something at the same time as they are needing something. I'm slightly surprised even at my own better attitude! I promised not to call him names when he was born - sound ridiculous? What parent would call their kid names? I know, I'm the devil, because I have! I remember when my others were little and keeping me up at night, or screaming in my ear, or making me late for some event, etc... I occasionally would let out a frustrated rant to them, knowing they couldn't understand. Or, I'd complain coarsely about them to my mom or some other trusted friend. But no way would I do that now. For one, I am more grown up! For another, I don't dare slap God in the face for my gift. Trey is a special gift, my life-saving gift, and I will NOT complain about the privilege of raising him (well, as best as I can!). This early resolution has affected the mood of our entire home. We are all more loving and happy. I'm so thankful for this experience of raising a baby again.
Where are Jackson and Claire in this mix? I think of them both every single day. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of them. There are many thoughts I can joggle that don't cut me, and I have learned which memories are still too traumatic to toy with in a normal day. So most days, I have happy thoughts of them. I am glad to be their mother, I am glad to know them, and hopeful to get to know them better in the future. I'm curious about them. I'm slightly obsessed wondering what went wrong in my or my husband and I's genetics... why do some cords not develop right? What can be done to correct this? How can I help expectant mothers and doctors be more aware and careful so less babies die in the future? I really want to get some kind of fundraiser for research going in the near future. And I want to write a book about it too. But, all this has to wait til I am not so tired that getting housework done doesn't take all my concentration (has anyone seen my keys, btw? Or my phone????!!!!).
Several of my friends are due at the end of this month. Most of them have lost babies previous to this pregnancy. I am anxious for them and excited with them. Good luck! I can't wait to see these teeny miracles!!!