Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Got a Visit Today

This morning as I drove to work out a dragonfly very distinctly flew in front of my car. I had a thought that Claire was here. It was a bigger than normal idea that felt right. I wondered why today.
I work out in a church gym a few times a week. My 14 month old wanders around the whole time. He plays with balls and generally tries not to get clobbered by bigger kids. The cool down song is always "If I Die Young" by the Band Perry. Each time I lay there stretching to lyrics about a rainbow helping a mother know her baby is ok, I feel not just sweaty, but naked! "Not even gray but she buries her baby." I think, "Here I am. Not a stitch of gray. I recall the graveyard, the headstones. Just a cool song to so many, but powerful memories inside me.
My usual naked feeling today crossed over to sadness. Tears welled up and I felt so sad. I thought of Claire and missed her so. I felt the bitterness of having to let her go so soon after I had her. I stared at the floor and tried to stay stoic.
The next thing I know Trey is between my legs, clutching me in a bear hug. Then he lays his head down on my shoulder and pats my arm - PATS my arm like he's comforting me! And what a comfort a warm baby is when grieving the loss of your baby. I had a humbled feeling of gratitude for his little miraculous life. I thought that Claire was right there with me. She somehow communicated to Trey to love on me with those warm physical arms that she doesn't have right now. It was so sweet and tender, lasting several moments.  Around me were happy, light conversations. But in my tiny space was ministering by an angel, my angel. I felt grateful she was there for me in that moment.
When I told my husband, he said yesterday while watering the yard he saw both a butterfly and a dragonfly in quick succession. He never sees them in our (dead) yard.
A few hours later I had something pretty serious rock my world. Without going into detail, I needed some bolstering. I got a blessing and part of it said that there are angels right now around me, participating in our situation. Instantly I thought of my daughter letting me know she was here today. There were reasons she was here, some I may never know fully. I felt so lucky. Most of the time it's a quick passing, a brush with something magical. But rarely is it enough to stick with me in a way that I KNOW I had contact with the other side. Life's just not like that. So I will hold tightly to today, and feel most honored to be a part of my family, both here and on the other side.

7 comments:

Pam Norris said...

Glad we could chat today. I will keep you and yours in my heart and prayers. I always love your blogs. Blessings...Pam

Jenn Comolli said...

How sweet is Trey? I'm so glad he was there to comfort you during a hard time. Sometimes I think little ones are more in tune with things than we think.

audra said...

What a sweet tender mercy for Trey to be guided to comfort you. Man I had no idea he was already 14 months old! I still pictured him as an infant. Hope you are doing alright!

The Scotts said...

So sweet and amazing! What a neat tender mercy.

Holly Berkey said...

hey there love. havent been arounda computer forever and have felt the need to come here and read all about you guys. Miss you and soo want to meet Trey someday. Thank for allowing me to read your words, makes me feel like i'm back in keri's or my living room chatting while we killed ourselves working out. hope you guys had a wonderful Thanksgiving and have a very Merry Christmas. XOXOXO to you, Blu and those adorable kidsso of yours <3 Holly B

Whitney said...

I just found your blog and feel very connected to you. I feel that we are in the same boat. I have lost 2 babies this year, first in April, the second this past September. I am in the middle of depression, trying to overcome my foggy brain and broken heart. I have never felt this depressed in all my life even after my postpartum with my boys. Thank you for being such a light and for being brave enough to share your pain so that I wouldn't feel alone.

August said...

Your words are such a comfort to me. I can't even tell you...there are just no words. I have had 2 experiences since we lost Gabriel that were so real and comforting to me. I re-lived those moments tonight reading how you put your experiences into words.