Sunday, September 26, 2010

Dreams

**We had a perfect little baby shower celebrating Trey. I will post pics and give details later. :) I'm so thankful he's loved and that so many people were rooting for us, and still are. We are blessed to have community, wouldn't know how to survive without it.


**I really REALLY want to post pics of all the ultrasounds I got that showed Trey with the cord around his neck, just so others can see and hopefully pay more attention to their own babies' photos. It's ridiculous how easy it is to spot even from the layman's eye, and on the other hand how hard it was to convince the doctors/US Techs of this.

**Did I ever write about how the night after I had Trey I had a dream where Blue and I were laughing deeply from our belly's? It was so poignant to me because since Jackson died two years ago I pretty much have nightmares every night. Every night, whether he or his precious little sis have been on my mind or not. It was SOO nice to dream happily, to feel such joy on a subconscious level.
     Unfortunately, even with my love and happiness expanding each hour I spend with baby Trey, the bad dreams have returned. It's more normal to have bad dreams than good ones, or none at all. Most times I wake up with the bad feelings still churning inside, but the dream content is hazy or at least nonsense.
     A few nights ago, I awoke upset, the storyline of my dream bright before me. I was nursing Trey in the dream. He was each time filled and each day growing. Completely normal. But then, flashes of his brother would pop into my mind, another tiny baby. It was not clearly Jackson-just a little boy baby. I would look frantically around the room for him but not see him. I needed to feed him! How could I have forgotten to nurse him this feeding...and oh my gosh! the last feeding too. He must be starving somewhere. Where was he? Then a friend would appear and chastise me for forgetting to nurse my baby girl. Yes, that's right, I had a girl too. She was even younger than the boy baby. She would agree that I was doing a good job with Trey, but what of his little brother and even smaller sister? Feed them!!! Take care of them!!! Stop forgetting about them!!! She told me she was feeding the girl for me but could not do this forever so I better get my head on straight and stop forgetting my babies. But every time I tried to find them in the house I failed. Then I would forget about it and nurse Trey peacefully as usual. Right at the end of the feeding I would remember I had two other babies; a small boy and smaller girl. No! I forgot to feed them again! And on and on it cycled until I awoke in the morning quite upset.
     Isn't that crazy? It all makes sense. It's so simple. I'm just surprised at the feelings of a failed mother so deep inside, and the worry for my babies. I feel obligated to care for them, to nurture them and some part of me still frets that I am not doing it. It's so weird to me. During the day I know they are okay and I think of them constantly. Never forgetting. And I am thrilled to care for Trey. But at night it's all a mess. I see how the heart beneath is still in shambles. Unlike most deep wounds, which heal from the inside out, I think baby losses heal from the outside in.

4 comments:

audra said...

Isn't that interesting, and sad that you have to awake feeling so low so often. I can't imagine having dreams like that Kelly, yet it's no surprise that they would occur. Wish words could somehow help fix the problem, but just know that my thoughts are with you. It sounds like the atonement still needs to run its course, not because you did anything wrong, but because it is there to take on all our pain as well. Did you have grief counseling after you lost your babies?

The Scotts said...

I'm sorry you are having those dreams. I'm sure Blue's Mom is taking care of them in heaven and being the best grandma there is!! Sorry Kelly.

Bri said...

I'm so sad to read about this. New moms need good, deep sleep! You have earned lasting contentment...wish it would show up already. I know your babies are just fine, and they have the best caregivers anywhere. Loves to you!

Naomi said...

Just like how you put it, to heal your wound inside, I am wishing you lots and lots of happiness and wormth and comfort from outside in...