Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Jackson's First Birthday- Sept 7, 2009

The day of your baby's death is seared into your - and hopefully your family's minds. We often wondered where we'd be one year from Jackson's death... would we feel joy again? Would we have another baby? Would we have discovered some of the purposes and whys to it all?
And just like I ironically told Blue on the way to the hospital while in labor with Jackson that I could never handle having a stillborn, if someone had told me that on Jackson's first birthday there would already be another sibling's grave beside his, I would have honestly said I wouldn't survive such a tragedy.
But we do, don't we? We are changed. People around are changed. Even our relationships with people around us are changed. For some of us chosen people, life is not our own to plan but part of something greater planned for us.
Still, we could hardly process the important one year mark of Jackson's passing clearly. I tried to focus on him though his sister's C-section scar still ached and I could still see her little swollen face in my mind whenever I closed my eyes. I wanted this day to be about him.
One thing I felt was really important to do on his birthday was release balloons with messages to him. This is a tangible way for children to reach out to their dead siblings. You can see Jackson's six year old sister here writing him a message. Everyone in attendance did it. I felt that it honored him, helped us remember him, and helped us as well hope to be better people as we live a life here in a way that he can not.

*Claire's grave on the left, Jackson's on the right*
I was grateful to my step father for bringing nice soil up and dressing the graves. It made them pretty in my eyes.

We also made a "cake" for him. My kids were a little disappointed that more people didn't come to his "party," said that was not fair to him. I was touched by their desire that this unseen sibling receive just as they do in life. The sad part about AZ graveside celebrations? More likely than not, it's HOT, even in the morning. It was hard to enjoy the sweets when we were all dripping sweat!


Taylor and Stephanie Haught said...

What a great way to celebrate Jackson's birthday! I am sure your other kids really enjoyed that, you're such a good mom.

Rennie said...

Kelly, you are a good mom! I love that you released balloons. We did that for the 15th anniversary of my Dad's death and I don't know why but it does have some healing in it doesn't it?

Hugs to you!

Bri said...

This is a great way to remember Jackson and acknowledge his place in your family. If you have another party for him, or for Claire, we would be honored to come. We don't care if it's hot...we won't melt! My heart just aches for you and Blue these days. I want you to have a break from sorrow so badly.

This sounds strange, maybe, but I have Claire's little face in my mind a lot. Your babies are important in our family, and we talk about them and remember them often.

The Scotts said...

Hi Kelly, I feel like I haven't scene you in forever! I just found you blog through a friends and I just wanted you to know that I think you are amazing. I think about you often and pray for you and your family often. I think that this is a great tradition. We do this with my kids for my Mom and they love doing it. Now whenever they release balloons they always say they are going to Grandy. Let me know if I can ever do anything to help you guys. I would love to visit or just listen if you ever need it. Love you guys. Shanon Scott

Laura said...

Glad to see you are doing a blog again. Releasing the balloons sounds like a great idea. I have never heard of that. I think of you guys everyday and pray for you!