April 4, 2010 Update

It’s been a long time since I posted. Not a day passes that I don’t think of my babies, where they are now, where we who are left behind are now.


Most of the time I am functioning much like I used to before all this happened. My heart is seldom in it, but for most daily duties don’t we need much heart, do we? Just able physical energy.


I don’t post because it would be much of the same feelings and “cycles” over and over. Some days I am quite at peace with my circumstances. It’s more a matter of finding my place in the plan than questioning it. But now and then, and I have found usually after being in a lively public place with many families, knowing the plan or purpose doesn’t do a thing to calm my agonized heart, and I am overcome with sadness. It’s about once a week that I am knocked out. Which makes sense, because isn’t it about once a week that we go out and “have fun?”


I am okay in my small day-to-day home life. By those standards I’d look like a grieving champ! But out in “society” I tend to flop. I have never, NEVER so many times just wanted to not exist. It’s a longing for death, but without peace, because even with death there is no hope of peace for me, because I know my death would thrust my living kids right into a similar hole that I am in. I could never purposefully do that to them.


So my only “hope” is to break all scientific rules and imagine erasing my existence. It’s there that I feel any chance of escaping this unique pain that physically hits my body as well as breaks my heart.


I press on, knowing this mortal pain will cease, must cease, giving way to a reckoning of every detail of my life. I know a restoration will come, as well as further understanding that will bring immediate and lasting peace. If I do my part, possibly there will even be a celebration over this life that is uniquely my husband’s and mine.


Again, through each low end of my cycles, I come to feel immensely sorry for other people called to walk down darker roads. I feel desirous to lift other’s burdens. I want to shield people from loss, which of course no one can. I feel close to people now who suffer. I’m thankful for them! What would I do without their honesty and their examples to me? I want to connect with them because I know how terrible is forced isolation from unsolicited adversities.