I added a song to the blog that says to the Lord, "You are my everything...you are the song I sing: I'll do anything for you. Teach me how to pray: to live a life of grace. I'll go anywhere with you..." It resonates with me because those were my words years and years ago. And in everything I have walked through - or been dragged through, it has remained true. I can't help but be a believer. And in all things; abuse, abandonment, loss, humiliation, betrayal, grief, I have been able to see that God could make something beautiful of it. "He gives beauty for ashes," it is said.
But now, it is so hard to keep looking up. At times all I can think is that this all was just a tragic accident. God was not part of it. It was a result of living on an imperfect earth, in an imperfect body. But then the scenes of premonition come into my mind...days before the delivery, months before. There were small moments of warning, just as there have been at almost every other trial in my life. Whatever the cause of Porter Jackson's twisting umbilical cord, God allowed it to happen.
I cleave now to the words of Barbara: Maybe he saved you in a way that we will never know.
I close my eyes and replay the scene I saw in my mind as I drove home for the first time after the accident. I saw myself meeting Jackson in heaven. He was taller than I am. He hugged me and I felt his sorrow as he told me how sorry he was for all the pain his death caused our family. But we were both able to see that Blue and I would not have accomplished our full calling in life had he not sacrificed his own life for us. And that was the greatest loving gift he could have given our family.
I don't know if what I saw that day was a foreshadow of the future or just my own mind trying to make something beautiful of my ugly grief. I hold to this belief though. Something saving and good must come of this.
Still, I never knew that when I told the Lord I would go anywhere with Him that it would be here. No one can imagine the grief of losing a child except those who have. I am now one of them. I will always be counted among those who have lost babies. They are my people. The weight of this fact bore down on me as I labored to deliver my precious boy.
Now we begin a new, foreign, laborious journey.