Sunday, September 28, 2008

I added a song to the blog that says to the Lord, "You are my everything...you are the song I sing: I'll do anything for you. Teach me how to pray: to live a life of grace. I'll go anywhere with you..." It resonates with me because those were my words years and years ago. And in everything I have walked through - or been dragged through, it has remained true. I can't help but be a believer. And in all things; abuse, abandonment, loss, humiliation, betrayal, grief, I have been able to see that God could make something beautiful of it. "He gives beauty for ashes," it is said.
But now, it is so hard to keep looking up. At times all I can think is that this all was just a tragic accident. God was not part of it. It was a result of living on an imperfect earth, in an imperfect body. But then the scenes of premonition come into my mind...days before the delivery, months before. There were small moments of warning, just as there have been at almost every other trial in my life. Whatever the cause of Porter Jackson's twisting umbilical cord, God allowed it to happen.
I cleave now to the words of Barbara: Maybe he saved you in a way that we will never know.

I close my eyes and replay the scene I saw in my mind as I drove home for the first time after the accident. I saw myself meeting Jackson in heaven. He was taller than I am. He hugged me and I felt his sorrow as he told me how sorry he was for all the pain his death caused our family. But we were both able to see that Blue and I would not have accomplished our full calling in life had he not sacrificed his own life for us. And that was the greatest loving gift he could have given our family.
I don't know if what I saw that day was a foreshadow of the future or just my own mind trying to make something beautiful of my ugly grief. I hold to this belief though. Something saving and good must come of this.
Still, I never knew that when I told the Lord I would go anywhere with Him that it would be here. No one can imagine the grief of losing a child except those who have. I am now one of them. I will always be counted among those who have lost babies. They are my people. The weight of this fact bore down on me as I labored to deliver my precious boy.
Now we begin a new, foreign, laborious journey.

24 comments:

Melinda said...

Kelly, my mother-in-law had a daughter who was hit by a car and killed on the way to her first day of Kindergarten. After I had kids I asked her how in the world she could endure that. She told me that shortly after the accident she looked outside and saw her three other little girls playing in the backyard. Tears came to her eyes as she thought, "there should be four, not three, little ones playing together." A peace suddenly filled her heart and she felt the Spirit whisper to her that those three would be asked to go through trials and labors in their lives that her other little daughter would be spared from. She would not have to endure the pains of life as they would. This brought her alot of peace. I doubt there is any consolation that I can offer, but thank you so much for being such a wonderful spirit. I have prayed and cried for you alot.

Bri said...

Sweet girl. How I wish we knew why tragedies happen to anyone at all. I had a friend named Charlie who was a chaplain, and one day I asked him how he thought God played into the impending death of a young mom we were working for. He said, "Well, God just promised us He'd be with us. I think He says, 'You'll go through a lot of things, some good and some bad. And I'm there through it all, helping you in my way'. I don't believe He makes these things happen to us as a punishment or as a reward'." Maybe that isn't so comforting, and strangely, it isn't really the typical Christian view that I've heard before. But it has helped me feel less angry at God over the years. I always tell myself, and other people, that God can handle our anger and understands why we direct it at Him. Personally, I believe that when you are about to die, Jackson will be the honored one chosen to beckon you over. I know, almost for sure, that people have that kind of universal experience. And as far as why things happen at all, here is my favorite phrase: "When nothing is sure, everything is possible". I have asked God to be near you, as He always has been.

Bri said...

PS: Matt Maher makes me weep. His voice made me remember why and how I fell in love with God in the first place, and of the Newman Center and feeling accepted and all kinds of positive things in my life that are unexplained and unearned.

Kaylani and Jake said...

Kelly, I'm thinking about you daily. Your trial may be what others need to be able to treasure their little ones more. I know that I am not complaining anymore of being "uncomfortable" during this pregnancy because it sure beats the alternative. I love you dearly and we pray for your family often. Think of how many babies are being held a little tighter and loved a little more because of you sharing your story...love you!

K. Lamb said...

I have wanted to write to you for so long but I still don't know what to say. I am so sorry for your loss. When I found out I just cried and my older boys came in wondering why I was crying so I told them and showed them the pictures. Ever since then when they say there prayers at night they pray for your family especially for your kids. I just love you guys and I will continue to remember your family in my prayers and thoughts. Please let me know if I can do anything for you. Keep smiling- love you guys!

JennC said...

Still praying for you...and shedding tears for you and your family...the retouched picture of Jackson came out beautifully. That was so nice. Glad to hear Ami is on the mend, I hope it continues.

Thinking of you often...

JennC said...

I just wanted to add a couple of verses that are close to my heart when things are not going in a way that I had hoped:

Jeremiah 29:11-'I say this because I know what I am planning for you,' says the Lord, 'I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future.'"

I Peter 5:7-Let Him have all your worries and cares, for He is always thinking about you and watching everything that concerns you."

At church on sunday we sang a song that had me thinking of you:

When I Don’t Know What To Do
Tommy Walker WeMobile Music ©2005 CCLI #4556332

Lord I surrender all to
Your strong and faithful hand
In everything I will give thanks to You
I’ll just trust Your perfect plan

Chorus:
When I don’t know what to do
I’ll lift my hands
When I don’t know what to say
I’ll speak Your praise
When I don’t know where to go
I’ll run to Your throne
When I don’t know what to think
I’ll stand on Your truth
When I don’t know what to do

Lord I surrender all
Though I’ll never understand
All the mysteries around me
I’ll just trust your perfect plan

Bridge:
As I bow my knee
Send Your perfect peace
Send Your perfect peace, Lord
As I lift my hands
Let Your healing come
Let Your healing come to me

Love you guys...

Taylor and Stephanie Haught said...

Kelly, I am so sorry that you are feeling such pain and sorrow. No mother can prepare for such grief. If I could switch you places and lift this burden from you, I would in a heart beat! I can't even imagine what you are experiencing. You are in my thoughts and prayers daily. Your experience has made me grateful for my children and I hug them and appreciate them more because of what you have had to go through. Life is short. I know that you will get through this especially if you will stay close to the Lord and rely on him in your times of need. I love you.

laura said...

Ok I am bawling!! I don't think you need any advice from me. It is clear you have a great understanding of why this happened and you put it so beautifully into words. You are such a strength to me! Somtimes we go through things for other people to learn from it. You have touched many hearts. I also know that still doesn't take the pain away so I will keep praying that things will get easier for you guys some how.

Suzette's Life said...

I love you, Kelly, more than you know.

Robin said...

Kelly and Blue, I have been trying to figure out what to say or how to call and everytime I think have the courage I start crying again. I pray for your family daily. I saw you at school dropping the kids off just yesterday and I wanted so badly to get out of car and just give you both a hug, but out of fear of upsetting you I simply drove away. Please know that your family is in my heart and prayers. If there is anything I can do please don't hesitate to let me know. Mario loves playing with Caidgen. He and Ami are welcome to come over anytime.

Florida Sanders' said...

Kelly,
Thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts with all of us. I've experienced pregnancy loss and although I have not gone to term as you have, I too envision the time when I will meet those children that are mine. I believe your vision of Jackson is true and right. He is obviously an amazing person and your reunion with him some day will be indescribable. I believe that he is able to watch over his family and that you will feel him near from time to time. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts with everyone. I hope that you are finding your days easier and your grief a little lighter. You and Blue and the kids are constantly in our prayers.

The Scotts said...

You seem like such a strong person. I can't even imagine losing a child. Reading your words just helps strengthen my testimony. I sometimes find myself thinking that I didn't sign up for this and it is sometimes hard to think that there is a reason for everything. But as time goes on, I see how somethings are better how they are and I just have to look at it with a change of heart. I hope that makes some sense. I continue to pray for you and your family.

Frankie and Krista said...

Frankie and I want you to know that we are praying for you. Your family has been in our thoughts since we first heard the news. We are so sorry! Love you all!

Justin Owens said...

Kelly and Blue,

Audra just showed me your Blog. It has been a few years since NAU.

I am so sorry to hear about Porter. I don't have much to say that hasn't already been commented.

God is great and I pray (and will continue to pray) that he will be with you and strengthen you all, long after the calls, meals, and visits stop. God bless.

Nuestra Familia said...

Dear Kelly and Blue, what a gorgeous little boy Porter is. I just wanted to write a line about his wonderful parents, I haven't seen you since high school but you are both the nicest and most wonderful people. You are all in our thoughts and prayers, thank you for your great words filled with the Spirit. Your family is so beautiful. Love, Ale Coquelet & Peter Ray

Mel said...

Kelly,
This is Melissa Lantz (Gale) remember you and Blue traded your phones to me and my friend at NAU...anyways my in-laws are in your in-laws ward and told me what happened and I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss and to know you're in my prayers.

http://casadelantz2.blogspot.com/

the lucas' said...

Kelly, I just wanted to say Hi! and let you know you are still in our thoughts and prayers each day. I wanted to share a couple of blogs of friends of mine that have recently lost a child. I thought reading them might help? www.dbkunz.blogspot.com
www.jacksonparkcity.blogspot.com
I hope it was ok to give you those, in following their blogs they have contiually talked about how finding women that have endured this experience has really been good for them. The Kunz's I see probably every 6 weeks when I cut their hair, I have known them and Brittany's family for several years. The Jacksons, Scott and I were friends with Vic before we were married. He is still great friends with Scott's brother. Sorry to ramble I just thought I would quickly explain how I know them. Love ya

Bobby and Misty said...

I just wanted you to know that I think about you every day, many times each day. My heart truly aches for you. I cannot imagine experiencing the kind of loss you have. I also want to thank you for putting the pictures of Porter on your blog. While they make me cry, he is perfect, they also help me realize how precious life is. I hope that you can somehow... somewhere find the strength to get through this. I am truly sorry for your loss.
Love-Misty

Bobby and Misty said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Elly said...

Kelly, I love you and I'm so sorry this happened to you & your family. Stay strong and know that your friends are praying for you.

jenyce harris said...

Blue and Kelly,
This is Heather (Harris) Torriente. I'm at Ryan and Jenyce's and I came in to borrow their computer and your blog was up. A few days before I had my baby, I asked Ryan how you guys were. He hesitated to tell me about your loss because he didn't want me to worry too much. I am so overwhealmed with love and compassion and sorrow for your family. I have been thinking about you, crying with you and praying for you ever since. I wanted to find a way to let you know, and after sitting here in their office seeing your gorgeous family and your beautiful angel, Porter, and crying my eyes out for about a half hour, I finally composed myself enough to write this little post. Your little boy is so beautiful, your strength and thoughts so inspiring. Thank you for being such a great example. My gratitude for each sacred breath of life we get to draw and each moment that we have to experience with those that we love has been forever increased. I love you guys and will continue to pray for your healing and strength.

Nina Fenn said...

Do not suppose that God willfully causes that, which for his own purposes, he permits."Boyd K. Packer.

Read it again. There's an important difference between causing something to happen and allowing it to happen. Some things are just the natural consequence of living life here on earth.

"No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, the the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially as we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God...and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven." Orson F. Whitney
In my thoughts, Nina

Kelly said...

Nina,
I am not sure who you are...while I will assume your comment was meant to be helpful, it's condescending, self-righteous nature is not helpful to us at all. This is a blog for friends and family. It is for us to share all our thoughts - on good and bad days. I'm not completely daft but fully aware that God allows things to happen in this imperfect world. Please keep such comments for your own friends.