I added a song to the blog that says to the Lord, "You are my everything...you are the song I sing: I'll do anything for you. Teach me how to pray: to live a life of grace. I'll go anywhere with you..." It resonates with me because those were my words years and years ago. And in everything I have walked through - or been dragged through, it has remained true. I can't help but be a believer. And in all things; abuse, abandonment, loss, humiliation, betrayal, grief, I have been able to see that God could make something beautiful of it. "He gives beauty for ashes," it is said.
But now, it is so hard to keep looking up. At times all I can think is that this all was just a tragic accident. God was not part of it. It was a result of living on an imperfect earth, in an imperfect body. But then the scenes of premonition come into my mind...days before the delivery, months before. There were small moments of warning, just as there have been at almost every other trial in my life. Whatever the cause of Porter Jackson's twisting umbilical cord, God allowed it to happen.
I cleave now to the words of Barbara: Maybe he saved you in a way that we will never know.

I close my eyes and replay the scene I saw in my mind as I drove home for the first time after the accident. I saw myself meeting Jackson in heaven. He was taller than I am. He hugged me and I felt his sorrow as he told me how sorry he was for all the pain his death caused our family. But we were both able to see that Blue and I would not have accomplished our full calling in life had he not sacrificed his own life for us. And that was the greatest loving gift he could have given our family.
I don't know if what I saw that day was a foreshadow of the future or just my own mind trying to make something beautiful of my ugly grief. I hold to this belief though. Something saving and good must come of this.
Still, I never knew that when I told the Lord I would go anywhere with Him that it would be here. No one can imagine the grief of losing a child except those who have. I am now one of them. I will always be counted among those who have lost babies. They are my people. The weight of this fact bore down on me as I labored to deliver my precious boy.
Now we begin a new, foreign, laborious journey.

With Many Thanks...

I want to express my thanks to everyone who has prayed for us, or given a meal, gift, flowers, tears... It has been helping immensely. Blue and I are amazed at the compassion of others. Just yesterday we got a card from a family I met only once a few months back. They sent money and a poem that was really touching. Here is just a small sampling of things that have really helped me get through each day.
I have much gratitude for one of Blue's coworkers, Lexi, who I have never met. She's known throughout the Operating Room as the wickedly feisty one. Seriously. Surgeons groan when she walks in the room. Well, she has shown us her tender heart. She made this plaque for us with Porter Jackson's picture. She also gave us the figurine at the bottom of these pictures of the angel. It's absolutely gorgeous.
And of course the flowers and plants are such pick me ups. I love the colors and life they bring to the house. Kristy and Cortney brought over the yellow ones on the left. They are both pregnant, by the way (well, congratulations to Cortney on the birth of her girl). That was really brave and compassionate of them. The flowers on the right are also from a pregnant friend, actually - Jenny Comolli. We share all our mothering ups and downs together. Blue and I tried to do a count and we know at least 20 people that are pregnant right now. Wow. I hope that this helps them to cherish their sweet little ones more and be happy in this season of their lives.
How can I thank the kid's school for all they have done? They are like a 2nd family to us. One dear friend helped Amaris get her appetite back... she hasn't been eating lately and she has "tummy aches" a lot. It's hard to see your babies stress. And sometimes others can do what you just can't for them. two older girls (9 and 13) that Ami idolizes at school invited her over to play. When I picked her up she was chowing on a plate of food. They commented that she eats a lot - little did they know she hadn't eaten in a few days. Her joy with them took care of whatever nervous stomach she had and brought back her appetite. The family also sent her home with a huge bag of dress up clothes. Where I will store them all I don't know... But she's in heaven. The little bag and matching sunglasses on her in the picture below were in the bag.
I want to thank Shawn Haught's friend Melanie, who we don't even know, for touching up this photo for us. She took it upon herself to do it: we didn't even ask. Little did she know it was my favorite picture. I knew though, that it was a little disturbing to some because of Jackson's skin peeling. Now it only reflects the precious face I have engraved in my mind. Here is the angel from Lexi. It's with pics of the kids now, right where it belongs.

It says, "Angels are always near to those who are grieving to whisper to them that their loved ones are safe in the hands of God." I enjoyed putting it up. It gave me something positive to do. This is just a small portion of things I'm thankful for right now. Even all your comments on the blog are uplifting. We really look forward to reading them. Thank you to everyone. We love you and feel loved by you.

Porter Jackson's Funeral

Thank you so much to Aaron Bender, a dear family member who took my camera and got these great shots. They are peaceful, beautiful photos that convey the spirit of that day.

Porter Jackson

Every life leaves behind something beautiful...

Porter Jackson Haught

Porter Jackson was born at 4:08 a.m. on September 7, 2008. For those who may not have heard, he was "called home to that God who gave him life." Our sorrow is unspeakable and our longing unquenchable, but we have peace. Faith and Family have buoyed us. We met him and held him and bid him reluctant goodbyes. As we prepare to bury him we ask for your prayers and at the same time offer our sincerest gratitude for love already expressed. Thank you everyone!
And Porter . . . we miss you!!!
- Blue

Good bye Sonata

We wanted to sell the Sonata... and it's gone. If only the whole process were so simple. I'm extremely grateful that our prayers were answered and that it went to a great family. I prayed that we would make a sale that was good for us and good for the buyers - I figure that's all you can ask for.
Highlights - all the African scammers on Craig's list. wow. I was really inducted. People from Africa tell you they want your "item" in broken English, but that they're out of town so their movers will pick it up. They ask for you TO BE HONEST AND TRUSTWORTHY while getting your personal info. It didn't take long for me to see the scam and know what was up. I took to responding to their emails like, "burn in hell scammer." One guy who wanted my address I sent, 666 E Burn in Hell Die scammer, USA 123456. And the guy responded with a "thanks" for my quick response before trying to get MORE info out of me! One of my favorite responses was, "I wish a sincere blessing on you and your cohorts that you all may burn in hell for your dishonesty." No response to that one. Blue told me to stop having fun though and just mark them all as spam. OKAY, OKAY...
Basically what I want to be remembered about the car sale (I miss that car that served us well for 4 years...) is that when I finally broke down and uttered a sincere prayer that God would help us sell it, that it would really help our family -- this was in prayer with the kids at night, the car was gone within days. Usually I know the Lord knows my heart and I converse quietly with Him. One night I was tired and frustrated with the whole situation though and just asked for help out loud. I wondered when I got a call the next day if the Lord would give us a faith promoting event -and that is just what happened. It wasn't fun for me - AT ALL. SO tired and all in my 38th week and without Blue home. But in the end the Sonata will be a first car for a really cool guy with cerebral palsy (they are converting it to hand gears) and we will be able to get something bigger for my new rug rat.