Tuesday, August 12, 2008

The Vampire Book

Can I just take a moment to say - though my eyes are burning and every muscle in my body screams for me to be unconscious right now - how ANNOYING Breaking Dawn is? All you fans who give it 5 stars, shame on you. Shame shame.

Now, I'm only half way through it so maybe Mrs. Myers will surprise me and a repentant post will follow this. But for now I am just thankful that I'm not still in my 1st trimester. If I was there would be some constant PUKING right about now.
If you haven't read the book yet and still plan to, don't read on. This is a spoiler for sure --
then again it's all so obvious that if you just sit and think for a moment you will know what's coming before you waste hours reading about it.
So, from the moment Myers came up with the fabulous "Imprinting" I have been pissed. It's just the most convenient way to get rid of the Jacob problem that has arisen. I was so mad at her introduction to it that even Blue knows all about it. Thankfully, it didn't happen in the 2nd book. No, she drug it out a bit longer - but come on!!! She makes everything so obvious - setting up an imprinting example with a baby, having Jacob suddenly progress in his desperation so that he WANTS to imprint, telling us over and over that Bella's baby is a boy which just makes me think - oh, it's a girl and Jacob's going to imprint on her.
Puke.
Even the whole introduction to her pregnancy was so obvious - I was like, "How many times do I have to read about Bella eating man sized portions of eggs before the author is just going to come out and say that she's knocked up?" She drives me nuts! Great story idea, but seriously, did the author learn anything about writing novels at BYU?
While I'm at it I will also say that it's been annoying in this last book that Bella suddenly has this tribal wisdom thing going on, telling Jacob how they are meant to be in each other's lives, how fate is in control here and something good and neatly packaged will come of all their suffering. Again, it's a lame way that the author is spoon feeding us her plot. If you insist on spoon feeding me, do it in all 3 books - don't just make Bella suddenly sagey and cosmically aware in the last book. I want to spit at the book every time I read that crap - and it's not even my book to spit at.
My last complaint for now, promise. I know no one likes a bitcher or mood killer. I felt this way all through the 2nd book and it stands now - why can everyone so deeply love a heroin who is so weak and passive 90% of the time? Here's my imitation of Stephanie Myers sitting down to write:
"Hm, what scene should I write today? Bella being led through the forest by Edward? Bella being told what to do by Edward? Bella being told what to drive by Edward? Maybe change it up a bit - Edward pushing Bella through a public place by the small of her back? Edward pulling Bella out of one building and into another one? Yes, that's it! No one will see that coming..."
Puke puke puke.
And shame shame shame on me for continuing to read this stupid crap.
Let me take a wild guess - the half vampire half human baby will unite the wear wolves and vampires and bring some sort of truce to the world. The Volturi will be in for quite a surprise when they come to fight and Jacob's got their back. Jacob's pain will be released into the Seattle clouds, shrouded now by a new joy and love he's never felt before. He and Bella will truly feel the BFF comradery without jealousy or bitterness. And at the end we will hear Aerial singing, ah ah ah... as Bella and Edward passionately make out with their new hot vampire bods. In a hot rich vampire car.
Really people, we need to raise our standards!

8 comments:

Holly Garvin said...

I was laughing so hard when I read this blog because Kristy and I have totally had the same conversation. She is only on book 2 and she is totally annoyed. I'm done with 4 and I don't want to ruin anything, but your probably not going to love the ending. All of the books could have been about 100 pages shorter expecially book 4. Way too much detail being explained over and over again.

Kelly said...

Oh Holly, I'm so relieved that I am not the only one! Funny, I almost called you yesterday to see how you're doing, but I realized I was about 3 minutes from reaching my kid's school so I didn't have time. Good to hear from you!

Haught Fudge said...

AMEN to everything you just said!!! Bella is the most boring uninteresting female protagonist ever. Stephenie Meyer may have some clever ideas but she's a horrible writer and the writing ends up butchering what good ideas she once had. Have you read the Host yet? Same story. She has had in three of her books a girl 18 years or younger begging a man for sex. No self respect. I really think her stuff is just female porn and that she's not getting any at home. Her husband must read her stuff and feel like crap. She's giving her readers exactly what they want to hear and it is so unhealthy and silly. I could go on and on about whats wrong her books but I think I've said enough, I'm so glad you feel the same way. It drives me mad when they compare her to JK, not even close.

The Scotts said...

I agree 100%!! I finished it just so I could finish it, but it wasn't anything like the first 3. I love the Ariel comment!!!

Stew and Traci said...

Kelly I have nothing else to comment, but DITTO! I did enjoy the entertainment value in the books, but the end of the story just ended so abruptly and as much as I wanted edward and bella together the climax at the end was disappointing. Couldnt the Cullen family and warewolves be the new Volturi at least then the end climax would have been worth something. But now all we have is one big happy family just like we all predicted. ;) Your post gave me a good laugh! Hahaha

Suzette's Life said...

You are too funny! I love you!! :):)

kristy miller said...

Halleluiah! I can't believe all the hype this book receives! I am on the third and keep reading hoping that Bella will eventually grow a set of balls! Where is the Heroine in this book?! And why do women all over gush over this book? I am so sick of hearing how perfect Edward is, okay I get it move on!
You are right shame on all of us for continuing to read!

Cameron & Jill said...

Haha, yes some aspects were disappointing, the character development was sadly off, they went from whiny teenagers to concerned parents overnight! Everything was sort of spoon fed, I thought the labor scene was a bit much (Trying to keep young girls from getting prego?) but I actually liked the imprinting, it gave Jacob a spot somewhere in the mess of a story! And I can't go on b/c you haven't read anymore!