Painfully Recalling

There are poignant experiences I will never forget. One such was the moment my third child was born. It was a brief but challenging exercise to get him out (he was my biggest baby). Then all at once I felt a flow; suddenly I was empty inside and this beautiful little bundle was quietly lifted above me, swept off to my right. It was as though the air in the room was purified, the lights crispened, something holy entered. Even amid the weight of my grief and disbelief, my whole body surged for him as I reached out for him and exhaled in awe. He was so perfect. I felt such pride for him. All at once I was the richest and poorest mother in the world.

I'm Still Alive!!!

me now, 34 weeks

Baby "Harlee" 26wks

Not sure why I have avoided the blog for soooo long. But, today I decided it is enough!
Obviously, I am pregnant yet again. My husband and I feel this will be our last roll of the dice. We prayed about it the whole first year of our miracle baby's life and a surprising answer was get pregnant (it was either that or adopt).
I felt a lot of peace that everything would be fine.
At a mere 7wks I started bleeding! Was told I had a subchorrioonic bleed - which can happen to anyone, anytime, and likely was miscarrying due to its size. I went home and put myself on bedrest. Confused that my peaceful feelings led me swiftly here! WHY do I seem to get all the random baby problems out there!!!???
Long story short, i am off bed rest now and the bleed has completely healed on its own.
I see amazing high risk docs at Phoenix Perinatal Associates in Mesa, twice a week now. And all is well.
I'm thrilled to be 34 weeks - a week PAST where I delivered my little preemie Trey with the cord 6x around his neck and 2x around his body. No sign of the cord anywhere it shouldn't be with this baby. As of today, no troubles here.

I just want to express to all baby widowed moms possibly trying again, for me the hardest part has been the complete lack of control. None of us have it in reality, but most moms get to ignorantly feel like they are controlling their babie's destiny with a few glasses of water and some prenatals. We know we have no control over this most sacred, special time. It's hard to live with that daily, knowing the heartache that could await.
I went through a little depression with this pregnancy for sure. The lack of feeling in control of my deepest hopes was challenging. But the peaceful feeling won out (I highly recommend prayer before and during pregnancy) and i am ok! Also, my Dr advised me to drink a TON of water and get outside EVERYDAY. Seems silly, but it works! Water boosted my energy, and energy zapped the bluesy fatigue, as did getting moving and getting busy.
Lastly, guess what I have seen at EVERY Dr appt? Every one? A butterfly. It's as if my still born son is cheering me on and trying to let me know it's going to be okay (because I have had many "scary" Dr. visits where it looks like it may be headed south - never does though). From the pattern on the nurses scrubs to a sheet of paper handed to me embossed with it, the butterfly keeps popping up. What a special thing for me to have this connection with the other side! How neat to have family silently helping lift burdens. Special ones, these angel babies.