Dragonfly Lives

It's almost been three years since little Claire was born, lived a brief 4 hours, then passed into a better world while in my arms. How the dragonfly emerged as a visual sign that she visits us I don't exactly know. But, WOW, are the dragonflys present in our family now!
A few weeks ago my husband learned something about these delicate insects. The lifespan of adult dragonflys - those we actually recognize, is actually really short. They spend more time in their developing, 'infant' state than mature. What a fitting symbol for my child, who lived much longer in embryo than out of the womb. The two are kindred beings in a sense.

Painfully Recalling

There are poignant experiences I will never forget. One such was the moment my third child was born. It was a brief but challenging exercise to get him out (he was my biggest baby). Then all at once I felt a flow; suddenly I was empty inside and this beautiful little bundle was quietly lifted above me, swept off to my right. It was as though the air in the room was purified, the lights crispened, something holy entered. Even amid the weight of my grief and disbelief, my whole body surged for him as I reached out for him and exhaled in awe. He was so perfect. I felt such pride for him. All at once I was the richest and poorest mother in the world.

I'm Still Alive!!!

me now, 34 weeks

Baby "Harlee" 26wks

Not sure why I have avoided the blog for soooo long. But, today I decided it is enough!
Obviously, I am pregnant yet again. My husband and I feel this will be our last roll of the dice. We prayed about it the whole first year of our miracle baby's life and a surprising answer was get pregnant (it was either that or adopt).
I felt a lot of peace that everything would be fine.
At a mere 7wks I started bleeding! Was told I had a subchorrioonic bleed - which can happen to anyone, anytime, and likely was miscarrying due to its size. I went home and put myself on bedrest. Confused that my peaceful feelings led me swiftly here! WHY do I seem to get all the random baby problems out there!!!???
Long story short, i am off bed rest now and the bleed has completely healed on its own.
I see amazing high risk docs at Phoenix Perinatal Associates in Mesa, twice a week now. And all is well.
I'm thrilled to be 34 weeks - a week PAST where I delivered my little preemie Trey with the cord 6x around his neck and 2x around his body. No sign of the cord anywhere it shouldn't be with this baby. As of today, no troubles here.

I just want to express to all baby widowed moms possibly trying again, for me the hardest part has been the complete lack of control. None of us have it in reality, but most moms get to ignorantly feel like they are controlling their babie's destiny with a few glasses of water and some prenatals. We know we have no control over this most sacred, special time. It's hard to live with that daily, knowing the heartache that could await.
I went through a little depression with this pregnancy for sure. The lack of feeling in control of my deepest hopes was challenging. But the peaceful feeling won out (I highly recommend prayer before and during pregnancy) and i am ok! Also, my Dr advised me to drink a TON of water and get outside EVERYDAY. Seems silly, but it works! Water boosted my energy, and energy zapped the bluesy fatigue, as did getting moving and getting busy.
Lastly, guess what I have seen at EVERY Dr appt? Every one? A butterfly. It's as if my still born son is cheering me on and trying to let me know it's going to be okay (because I have had many "scary" Dr. visits where it looks like it may be headed south - never does though). From the pattern on the nurses scrubs to a sheet of paper handed to me embossed with it, the butterfly keeps popping up. What a special thing for me to have this connection with the other side! How neat to have family silently helping lift burdens. Special ones, these angel babies.

Got a Visit Today

This morning as I drove to work out a dragonfly very distinctly flew in front of my car. I had a thought that Claire was here. It was a bigger than normal idea that felt right. I wondered why today.
I work out in a church gym a few times a week. My 14 month old wanders around the whole time. He plays with balls and generally tries not to get clobbered by bigger kids. The cool down song is always "If I Die Young" by the Band Perry. Each time I lay there stretching to lyrics about a rainbow helping a mother know her baby is ok, I feel not just sweaty, but naked! "Not even gray but she buries her baby." I think, "Here I am. Not a stitch of gray. I recall the graveyard, the headstones. Just a cool song to so many, but powerful memories inside me.
My usual naked feeling today crossed over to sadness. Tears welled up and I felt so sad. I thought of Claire and missed her so. I felt the bitterness of having to let her go so soon after I had her. I stared at the floor and tried to stay stoic.
The next thing I know Trey is between my legs, clutching me in a bear hug. Then he lays his head down on my shoulder and pats my arm - PATS my arm like he's comforting me! And what a comfort a warm baby is when grieving the loss of your baby. I had a humbled feeling of gratitude for his little miraculous life. I thought that Claire was right there with me. She somehow communicated to Trey to love on me with those warm physical arms that she doesn't have right now. It was so sweet and tender, lasting several moments.  Around me were happy, light conversations. But in my tiny space was ministering by an angel, my angel. I felt grateful she was there for me in that moment.
When I told my husband, he said yesterday while watering the yard he saw both a butterfly and a dragonfly in quick succession. He never sees them in our (dead) yard.
A few hours later I had something pretty serious rock my world. Without going into detail, I needed some bolstering. I got a blessing and part of it said that there are angels right now around me, participating in our situation. Instantly I thought of my daughter letting me know she was here today. There were reasons she was here, some I may never know fully. I felt so lucky. Most of the time it's a quick passing, a brush with something magical. But rarely is it enough to stick with me in a way that I KNOW I had contact with the other side. Life's just not like that. So I will hold tightly to today, and feel most honored to be a part of my family, both here and on the other side.

Claire's 2nd birthday

We were in Colorado on Claire's second birthday. I was overwhelmed that it's been two years. I can't belive it. If time did not confirm this, I wouldn't believe it. Time in my life has stood still. I remember carrying her, feeling grateful each day as she moved, then worried sick when she stopped. I remember the progression leading to her delivery in the hospital all too well. The time with her, alive and dead, is too overwhelming at times to recall, though it is priceless for me.
When it comes down to it, I miss her. I had a relationship, subtle an unspoken, with her, and it's sad to go on without her here. I miss her little personality.
Luckily, we drove right by the graveyard on our way to Colorado. It felt really good to stop there. I certainly felt sadder this year than last.
I hoped to see a dragonfly on Claire's birthday, but didn't expect it. I guessed that being on vacation there would be a lot of distractions. Well, this is why we need our friends! My friend - who also lost a little girl, called me into the front room. She spotted the biggest dragon fly I have ever seen sitting right outside the front door! It stayed there for a while, when flew right at me before it fluttered around the yard for the next several minutes. It was really encouraging. Of course, I didn't get my camera in time! But, I cherish the memory, and it means even more that a dear friend looked for me. We all need each other!

Amaris gets a visit from her brother

My daughter starts third grade tomorrow. She's been pretty nervous about it all summer. She moved to a new school half way through the year and had a hard time making friends, as well as a less than sweet teacher. She just found out that her new teacher is the "mean" teacher in the school! I'm HOPING that rumor is nothing more than that. But still, she was scared as we went to meet her today. Guess who sits next to my Ami? A boy named Porter. And behind her? A boy named Jackson. Her brother in heaven is named Porter Jackson. I smiled, feeling like he was letting her know he'll be watching out for her this year, maybe hanging with her when she's lonely. Ami feels much better about starting school tomorrow now! She's convinced her teacher is 99% nice and she's got her backpack ready and her clothes laid out!